Creating a Growth Mindset

Now a day, I think we are pretty much overblown with TOO MUCH ideas to educate our child. And of course the reason of that is because we all wants the best for them, we want them to grow up smart but on the other hand we do not wish them over-praise, but them we also want them to have self-esteem! I mean overall every child is individual we should not be trying to follow every steps in the booklets! We should watch the need of our child and find the most suitable way!

That's such a cute picture!

I agree with Hatsuna. Interesting article!

It can be hard as a parent to remember to teach humility. Sometimes I get too caught up in trying to help my children to have confidence and high self esteem, and I need to stop and remember not to boost them up too high. I very much feel that we all have to find our own personal balance and routine with each kid we are given. I do feel that it is important to do what we feel is right, over what the media and the public are preaching in our ear!

In the long run, it doesn't matter what you do, because you will always question if you did the right thing, anyway. Every child is different and every parent teaches differently. There may be similarities, but no two parents teach exactly the same way and no two children are exactly alike.

I think that, especially in the culture today, everyone wants to feel special and unique and this generation of parents want to instil the "everyone's-special" mindset in their children. Unfortunately bullying is ever present in our child's lives, and I think there needs to be a renewed focus on getting our children to see that it is okay to be exactly who they are, and not who someone else wants them to be...

Praise when they are right, correct and instruct them when they are wrong. The most important part - don't make the correction for them. They must take action.

I think that over-praising children makes it hard for them to compete as adults. If they grow up believing that everything they have done is amazing, and with little effort, then when they get out into the real adult world they have no idea how much hard work it takes to succeed and compete. Young adults are then quite discouraged and feel like failures. "But my mom really thinks I am an amazing painter/singer/writer!"

I agree with Sylvie Liv, every child is bound to be different so every parents' approach has to be a bit different. Some children are naturally full of esteem and little humility, while others are so humble that it's hard to get them to believe they should have confidence in what they do. But overall, I completely agree that this everyone-wins attitude toward everything today is not going to help in the long run.

Interesting article, thanks for sharing.

Growing up, every single day, my parents, but my dad especially, told me I was the prettiest, smartest person out there and that I was his favorite and that he loved me, and he told my brother and sister and mom the same thing - every single day. Now, do I necessarily believe all that? No - but I am very confident in myself. My parents pushed and encouraged all of 3 of us academically and in our extra curricular activities - they got on to me if I brought home less than an A in English, because that was my strong suit and praised for B's in math, because that was harder for me. I've been told my whole life by random people, that I am one of the most confident and self-assured people they've ever met and I know it's directly because of my parents telling me every day how great I was. I've never looked at anything and thought, "I can't do that." My parents raised me to believe in myself and to believe that I can do absolutley anything - and they taught me life takes work - everything I have, I worked for. My parents doled out praise - but they never did anything for me - I was taught to work hard. Now, I am happily married, have a successful career and and a very successful side business. I've had bumps on the say, sure, but I've just evaluated them, and figured out where to turn next, always with my parents encouragement ringing in my ears. Now, that I have a child of my own, he's about to be 4, I want to raise him just like my parents did me - always telling him how great he is. He definilty gets in trouble when he doesn't act right, but in no way do I think a child can ever have too much praise - especially from his parents - he'll have his whole life to be told negative things from the rest of the world. I feel like it is my job to instill both confidence and how to work hard to achieve what he wants.

Plain and simple.... BALANCE. I praise my children when they deserve it, NO matter how small and I explain to them when something is wrong and the consequences of those actions. NEVER berate or make them feel belittled. I have an 18 year old who was accepted to EVERY college he applied to, he's smart, kind and humble.... I have a 15 year old girl with Asperger's.... her self esteem is better than any teen age girl I've ever known. It's all about balance. I think we did okay! You will too!

Thanks Caleb, you bring up an interesting topic. My little girl will be 2 in July, and she is really smart. Even the doctors have commented on her being advanced for her age. So to me this post brings up a really good point. If a child is continually told they are really smart and even above average, it might make them over confident and even arrogant. I think the key is finding the right balance and I agree that the growth mindset is the way to go. There’s nothing wrong with telling your child there smart; however, that doesn’t make them better or worse than anybody else. Everyone has their own strengths and weaknesses. As a parent it’s my job to build on their strengths and help them work through their weaknesses.

Basically, from what I understand, children function better when you praise them with remarks like, "wow, you worked hard" or "Good thinking!" rather than "You're so smart!" Kids aren't stupid, and they pick up cues from the larger culture, and they associate "smart" with "you already know how to do everything." So when they make a mistake it clashes with their view of themselves and they become ashamed and stagnate in their development. I'm not speaking in the abstract here. I went through this as a kid. Even worse, of course, is the parent's tendency to throw their smart kid to the sharks because, as they see it, "you're already very smart and you can figure it out for yourself," which of course is not true. Intelligence is only a container. You still need help putting things in that container, and a child by definition does not have very much life experience yet. Anyway, yes, I completely agree with this article: we need to give our children room to grow, rather than making them think they've grown already and there's nothing left to do. And by the way, this sort of parenting philosophy leaves lots of room for differences in children! There's a difference between "eat your vegetables" and "eat kale." This parenting philosophy is more in the former category than the latter one.

I agree with balancing praise with humility. I was an over-praised child and it's sometimes still hard for me to accept criticism because a lot of my self-worth was found in praise. I believe there is a way to let children know who they are as a child of God and lead them by the Holy Spirit. At the end of the day every child is different and leading by the Spirit is the best "manual" to live by... since He Lives. ♥

We have always raised the bar pretty high, and generally expect 100% effort. When your family raises livestock, there is no room for prima donna's or laziness. I think the environment we have personally raised our 4 daughters in, has contributed greatly to their work ethic, but has also created empathy and compassion in them in having to deal with death or perceived injustices that do sometimes happen on a farm with animals. Of course humility is a given. Their is no room for arrogance while shoveling manure. Each daughter knows how important she is in our operation and the sense of pride at the end of a day of hard work is the reward.

As a mother of 2 in their early 30s now-a-days and an educator of 33 years I have had success with linking praise with doing a good job on a particular task. Kids get it when they hear, "You did a good (great, wonderful, etc.) job and I am proud of you for doing so well _____(making your bed, picking up your toys, etc.) I saw my boys beam with pride that they could perform a task; do a good job. That is where self esteem kicks in-especially when a child tries to do something and succeeds for the 1st time. I once heard self esteem building occurs when someone does something they are not sure they can do, but manage to do it anyway. For little kids their lives are full of so many 1st time learning situations that last the rest of their lives-it is good to valid what they achieve from walking, talking, running, reading, and so on. The tricky thing about saying excessively a child is so smart, is that there are multiple intelligences. Some people are super intelligent in music, others sports, others singing, others writing, and the list goes on. This concept is easy to explain to older children because they will start noticing in school some people do better in some tasks than others. I told my boys they are smart in their own way too, yet they were no better than anyone else. Everyone is here on this planet to learn, so try to be kind to those who seem not to be learning as easily as you are. Sometimes being kind amounted to my kids just staying away from other kids who were mean to them. Above all though I told my kids I loved them-they had and still have a safe harbor to come to, to talk to-I am here for them as is their dad. I see my sons being confident and taking life realistically with wonderful times and hard times-but in general their attitude life is good for them. I recall the boys made up a saying in their upper elementary years, "Joy and pain, then joy a-gain!" Out of the mouth of babes. :-)

I agree with Dana, I try not to praise my kids too much for their looks or being 'smart', and instead focus on things like the work they have put in to learn or accomplish something. It is sometimes easier to say 'you are so smart' rather than 'I'm so impressed with how hard you have worked to learn that'. But I want my kids to feel like they can achieve beyond the attributes they were born with.

In the uk we've had an encroachment of this sort of thing where sports days become 'everyones a winner' events with no winners or loosers so that children don't feel bad. I was never very good at sports and yet excelled in other academic areas. In a way removing that removes individuals ability to see if they are good at something or not, I think it helps us to accept certain aspects of our personality too. I'm not good at sports but I'm ok with that.

I wonder if it would be possible to praise our kids while simultaneously praising others around us for different things to help kids understand that they have ways that they are special and ways they are average, so they should appreciate everyone around them. We have two biological kids and one adoptive. It has helped our kids to understand that they really are different, unique, strong in some ways and weak in others...

An interesting article Caleb, thanks for sharing. I agree that a child should be praised often, but over praised. A praise based on effort rather than a praise based on beauty, intelligence will be better for them in the long run.

Great article. Thanks for sharing.

I was reading an article where a mother changed her approach on praise. Her praise was very specific about what her child was doing right, (no criticism about what was wrong), "You were so polite when you offered to share your candy, I am proud of you" and there were other examples to do with sports and studying. She noticed that instead of just accepting and absorbing praise like he used to when she gave him general praise, he started paying attention to what he was doing right and worked harder to repeat and excel in those areas. I think it is good for children to learn that they should be praised for things they can control and contribute to, not just for being your child. "I love you" and "you're special to me", should cover that. If you're praised no matter how little effort you put in, how does that teach you to try harder? There's something to be said about wanting to improve, wanting to win. While I don't believe that competition should be overstressed, the world is a competitive place and wanting to win can be a good drive to have. Another thing to be taught is that not everyone wins, so losing is okay too, just try your best.

Fascinating article, and very thought provoking. I've been concerned for a while about the culture here in the UK whereby kids seem to be growing up thinking they are the only ones who matter. It's important that we support and encourage children, but they also need to learn to live side by side with others that while we're all unique and all have special qualities, developing a sense of humility and encouraging mutual respect is equally vital. Over-praising our children risks them acquiring an over-inflated confidence in their own abilities, or sense of importance, which can just store up problems for them in later life. Praise commensurate with effort!

Great article-makes me think on my own parenting!! I think each of my kids is special in their own unique way, and I should tell them so...but I also think I shouldn't necessarily say to them that they are GREAT at everything they do(making them think they are always number one and I think setting them up to fail in life!) , but I should definately PRAISE their effort for trying, and keep encouraging them in the process. Humility is a must!

I'd say your wise beyond your years caleb and your children will grow to be well rounded and successful, very insightful read, happy parenting. I'm a work in progress on being a parent of young adults.

You know, it just goes to show you that you need a proper balance in life. A little pain and heartache teaches just the right lesson but a little happiness does the same. Everything in moderation.

Interesting!

In India, unfortunately, children are not yet being handed 'I'm smart' pencils but I can sense a gradual shift in how parents approach education and learning for their children. And I'd like to add that humility is a trait that everyone can benefit from, kids and adults alike. Even in the workplace we see instances of grown-ups being over-praised which inflates their egos and results in counter-productivity.

In parenting you do the best you can, my motto was "never say no if you can say yes" and I tried teaching by emulating my examples. Its one of the toughest jobs a person can have, but so worth it. If you are kind, honest and happy, then you can almost bet on raising kind, honest and happy children. Once I had children my life was lived for them, they always came first as I felt I was so blessed to have 4 children and I still feel that way. Today they are all grown up, have good jobs and seem to be pretty stable which is what I had hoped for. They are by far by greatest accomplishment and joy in life!

Wow I've never seen such long replies! Here's mine! I think that there is only so much much can consciously 'teach' our kids - so much more is 'caught than taught' If we value ourselves - our kids will learn to value themselves If we show humility - then they will too If we can say sorry when we mess up - they will will be able to aswell If we encourage and affirm with honesty - they will be able to do this with others If we forgive - they will learn to forgive....... It's so important that our kids know we aren't perfect so they don't feel they have to be perfect too and feel like they missed the mark. We all do our best with the diverse kids we have and most of all LOVE covers everything! I have 4 delightful and very different teenagers - We just wanted them to be who they really are - and have tried our best and messed up loads - but we all love each other through it all!

Oops I just read the one above - and we've written nearly the same! Oh well it's from veterans - with 4 kids - who've survived to tell the tale!

oh my gosh! There is way to much information out there. My husband is always freaking out about something he read that we are not doing. I personally tell my kids everyday how smart and beautiful they are...I don't think I could live any other way.

In parenting as in all of life, we should all err on the side of love every single time....love means radical truth and justice as much as neverending encouragement and support. No matter how much it might hurt to do so, if we really believe we are centered on our children's best interests, we should say to them exactly what's on our hearts, minds, and in our souls. As long as they are certain of our love, there is nothing to fear in speaking out. To teach anything to a child, the best way is to embody it yourself, otherwise there is always the risk of hypocrisy.

I agree with everyone that mentions balancing praise with humility. I think sometimes these articles are written with extremes in mind and then of the course the response can be extreme. I believe that most parents have an innate sense of what is balanced and if we leave our egos out of the parenting, we can do the right thing. I happen to have 2 great kids, both blessed with loads of talents (like most of us are). I praise them both alot! But I also praise other people in front of them. And I spend a lot of time encouraging them to work on things they think they are not great at, reminding them that there will be things they are great at, some they are good at, and others that won't come as easily. They are 11 and 8 and they get that. Something I recently started with them is having them keep a gratitude journal. I keep one as well. They use it to write down what they are grateful for and to also write about things they want to do in the future and skills they want to develop. I also constantly expose them to things that they are not inherently good at. My daughter is more creative and artsy. She is great at science, but struggles some with math. Well she started Kumon and sees that with hard work, she can get better. It is still not her favorite, but she sees that she can work on it and improve. My son is the opposite...he is our math/science guy. He eats it up! He thinks he is not good at artsy things (though he is great at piano). So he takes art classes and just started pottery as well. His work is never what he considers to be perfect, but I think making the mistakes along the way and having fun is helping him see that you don't have to be great at every thing to enjoy it. So I think the key is to help them identify and work on areas that need help, to try new things, even if they are hard, and to praise them for things they are doing well. That feels right to me, anyway, and I think so far it is working. We know in some years when they head off to college I guess!

I don't know if there is a right answer other than telling kids how much they are loved by you.The anxiety of people desperately seeking to be heard these days has resulted in self proclaimed specialists.It's hard to make a move without an opinion. Don't get me wrong ~ the advancement in medical science and study is wonderful especially with the ever changing physical elements that the earth is creating in our children's health. But there is an unclear line with parents who have inflated ego's in combination with self doubt that in my" self proclaimed opinion " is a toxic duo. A short story ~ my daughter now grown and i used to take public transportation to school and work every morning in a busy city. She was five and where everyone else stayed clear of the seat next to a stinking women, dirty and cold looking she had filled bags of trash and cans. My little girl sat right next to her, stared for a minute and said I like your shoes.They are pretty. ..." They were not pretty", they were hardly existed.

very thought provoking, thanks for posting!

OK - put down the Psychology Today and back away slowly. Now run. Run.

I am a "boomer" and come from the "old school" tradition of raising children. I have long thought that today's parenting style does not allow children independance, independant thinking skills, nor does it give them a sense of self-esteem. We have become too afraid of letting them fail. Parents nowadays don't want to be the bad guys. Guess what? Parents are supposed to love their children enough to say "the buck stops here!" Praising them too much is a part of the problem. Let them make mistakes, let them have a sense of who they truly are-what they're good at and what they're not so good at. No one is perfect. Let's stop praising them so much. You want some great parenting advice? Seek out your parents, grandparents or older family members. They are a wonderful, but greatly undervalued resource for young parents. Don't overthink everything as parents are apt to do now. Lastly, model humility because chidren learn more by how you live than what you say.

Thought-provoking and well-written!

You should definitely read Nurture Shock by Po Bronson and Ashley Merryman. It's a wonderful book that presents innumerable scientific studies on child rearing and child development. A good portion of it is on this "too much praise" concept. Specific praise is great, and praise for effort instead of achievement is also awesome.

Praise and punishment are two sides of the same coin. Try saying what you see instead, reflecting back to a child what they have done. Instead of saying "good job" say, "oh yes, you climbed all the way to the top!" or "wow, look at all the blue you used in this painting, " or even "tell me more about this painting." It shows you are interested in what was done, and not that you are the judge of it... it keeps you engaged with your child, and really that's the point! It opens up the conversation instead of shutting it down.

The Bible says, train up a child in the way he or she should go, and when they are old, they will not depart from the training. I aggree with Kath Johnson son honest, happy children. All the comments regarding Praising fit with the that piece of scripture. Raising children is no picnic, but it's all good in the long run. To all the Mothers, Happy Mother's Day if I don't comment before that!

I agree with a lot of the comments above. I think it depends upon the type of praise that children are giving. I try to compliment my son on his efforts, not his outcomes. When he shows me a picture that he has drawn I might say something like "Wow! I can tell you worked really hard on that! Does that make you proud?" rather than telling him his drawing his beautiful. He just turned 2 so I am sure he isn't fully grasping it now, but it is giving me time to train myself before he does!

Please explain to me why a Photographer would need a heat lamp?

I am deeply concerned by the an approach that minimizes competiveness and ignores the reality of our world - sadly, that we can't always be the best at everything, and not everything we do is GREAT! When we praise a child indiscriminately or even specifically with no flip side of the coin, it is my belief that we are encouraging entitlement. This might be great for boosting ego, but in the real world, I see too many kids growing up resentful because they find out rather shockingly, that everything they do is not praised and worthy of a raise, or a fast trip up the corporate ladder. I certainly believe praise is important, but I praise on merit. I praise my children when I see them put in the "extra" effort. This means, I praise my children for "pushing themselves" to be their best. My children have grown into healthy, competitive adults, who understand what hard work is, and also understand that sometimes you don't get what you want in spite of it. But most important, they have learned to accept with humility and grace the differences and uniqueness of our individual talents. My children truly have a good grasp of what their strengths are and their areas of weakness. It is very difficult to succeed in today's competitive market if an individual has no idea what their REAL strengths are and the hard work it takes to overcome weaknesses. When we, as parents, focus completely on the positive, how does a child learn how to handle disappointment? How does a child learn to strive for success? I am a parent who has allowed my children to experience failure too. At a young age, my children were taught to explore their failures, to understand that we don't always win at everything, and then, to find ways to work around this failure and discover concrete ways to improve. Through this process, we empower our children to not only manage failure, but to explore ways to overcome those failures, and at the very least, to know in their hearts they gave it their all. And yes, sometimes we don't win. But, the most important message is that they gave it their best shot. Confidence is an internal state, not one based on external praise. Confidence based on external praise is a house of cards.

A good read is Nurture Shock. In it there's a section where a study they did revealed that telling a child that they succeeded because they were smart led to poorer results and frustration if things became difficult, where as if children were praised for working hard or continuing to try when things became more difficult they were less likely to become frustrated and had better results.

I don't have kids so I wouldn't know first hand; however I believe some praise is good. Growing up my siblings were always better at everything compared to me as such I got little praise and little support. I had grown to resent my parents and my siblings. I probably should not be so honest but it is something to think about. As a kid gets older they might feel your lack of praise not as room to grow but as lack of love. I realize now that I am older that my family loves me and that they are a little messed up. If you feel like praising praise just don't get to carried away with it. At least that is how I feel about the subject. I don't have kids; You probably think I have no idea but I do. I have also babysat children and lack of praise can hurt their feelings.

I think where praise becomes detrimental to a child is when it is no longer sincere and/or vague. "Nice Drawing"..."great job"...instead of specific praise for growth. "Billy, I can see how you are concentrating hard to make this your best work." "Suzie Q, I love you how colored your drawing especially the house." etc. Praise is definitely beneficial for when a child is struggling to complete a task or is trying to learn something new. They need to know that trying and doing their best is the most valuable lesson. Great article and food for thought!

interesting article. i'm the over-praising parent for sure!!! :)