Sorry, this item sold. You may also like:
Poor, poor Santa Claus.
Look what the Politically Correct Police hath wrought.
Santa is dying and practically dead as I type this.
It started off innocently enough. Santa Claus was a rotund man. He was jolly and happy and content with his physique. He enjoyed smoking his Meerschaum pipe and consuming the many cookies and tall glasses of milk that the children left out for him on Christmas Eve.
But just before Santa partook of the generous libations, he'd pause a moment at the beautiful Nativity scene that the children made in school.
Each character was carefully made from Papier Maché and clay. Real straw topped the manger, and farm animals stood beside the Wise Men.
What a thoughtful, somber gesture from children so young.
Santa would bow his head in a moment of silence and deep respect.
This, thought Santa Claus, was the true meaning of Christmas.
Santa Claus was an equitable man, too. He kept score as to who was naughty and who was nice. Those who were 'deserving' had received many wonderful gifts under the tree and in their stockings, which were hung by the chimney with care.
And those who were naughty received chunks of coal and bundles of thin switches as proper punishment.
Perhaps those children would behave better next year.
Santa was a firm believer in 'reward and punishment'. You had to EARN your gifts, as well as EARN your punishments.
Santa enjoyed the rich aroma of pine trees that were delightfully decorated in celebration of Christmas. Mica glistened on vintage round glass balls and the plentiful twinkle lights lit the shadows of gingerbread men and tinsel garland.
What a happy time it was for Santa Claus.
"His eyes -- how they twinkled!
His dimples -- how merry!
His cheeks were like roses,
His nose like a cherry!"
His very happiness and appearance was mentioned in the time-honored poem The Night Before Christmas.
And Santa's plush red velvet suit gave him so much warmth as he traveled in his reindeer-powered sleigh. The fur trim on his suit provided insulation against the bitter, frosty nights. And his black leather boots shielded his feet as he walked in the crisp snow on roof-tops.
His massive toy sack was filled with brightly colored toys that were made by his many elves in the North Pole.
What a tranquil, sweet vision.
But that vision is no more.
It's hard to say when it all started to go to "Hell in a holiday stocking".
But no matter when it actually began to deteriorate, you can most definitely see the difference now. Christmas holidays have been watered down, compromised, and Politically Corrected to DEATH.
And one of those deaths is our beloved Santa Claus.
Just look at what's left of Santa Claus. He's a skeleton of what he once was. And he's gone from a rotund, tall man, to a pathetic shell of a man standing only about 16 inches tall.
His full, thick beard and hair are wispy reminders of what used to be.
It's a wonder his red fleece hat with the rusty jingle bell can stay on his head.
And the rest of his red fleece suit just hangs on him. It's gone through so many revisions that it can't be altered any more.
Santa is no longer allowed to say Merry Christmas. He's been directed to say Happy Holidays.
Then people objected to the word Holiday.
So, Santa Claus has now been directed to call it what it is....
Happy 'Days We Have Off From School And Work And Exchange Gifts And Eat Food!'
And all Christmas holiday gifts must be wrapped in recycled paper. And, all packages and paper must be gender neutral, so as to not lock someone into a stereotypical gender role.
Also, Santa is no longer allowed to leave toy guns for the boys, and the jury is still out on Barbie being a practical gift for girls. It's feared it will give little girls a false sense of what a woman should look like and it will create self esteem issues later on during puberty and their young adult life.
And it goes without saying that various books have been called into question, so it's best that Santa doesn't give away books any more.
So, Santa no longer has a sack full of gifts. It's too easy to offend people who are LOOKING to be offended.
Then came Santa's physique. It was thought that his rotund appearance projected a poor body image. People were also concerned that he would develop Type II Diabetes.
So, he lost weight.
He lost LOTS of weight.
And now he has achieved the rail-thin, heroin-chic body in which Hollywood approves.
And while Santa was losing weight, it became easier to give up eating when visiting the Californian children. Most were leaving Santa some Tofu and goat cheese bars with a tall glass of Soy milk.
Regional foods have always been a problem for Santa, but some foods were worse than others.
Santa has now developed an eating disorder.
And, because smoking is no longer en vogue, Santa is prohibited from smoking his Meerschaum pipe in anyone's home.
Even Santa's suit didn't escape the scrutiny of the Politically Correct Police. It used to be trimmed in fine, rich fur....REAL fur.
But PETA stepped in and protested vehemently.
Santa was then forced to go with either faux fur, or white flannel.
It goes without saying that even when Santa tried to show PETA that God made the first clothes, which were for Adam and Eve, and they were MADE OF REAL FUR, his observations fell on deaf ears because he wasn't allowed to mention God OR the Bible as reference or proof of anything.
Also, Santa no longer wears black leather boots.
Leather...another no-no in some people's books.
But it really doesn't matter anyway. After all, it rarely snows on Santa's travels....what, with global warming and all.
Santa Claus isn't allowed on anyone's roof-top anymore, either. It was thought that if he was accidentally hurt he'd sue the home owner. Or, if he damaged the roof, the home owner would sue Santa.
It was becoming harder and harder for Santa to afford good insurance to cover such possibilities.
And it's just as well that he no longer uses the roof and chimney to make his entrance to homes. People no longer burn wood for heat as much as they used to. They are trying to conserve the forests.
And Santa no longer drives a sleigh. When the ASPCA freed Santa's Reindeer several years ago, he was forced to go to a motor-operated sleigh.
But it proved to be too much of a contributor to air pollution, so now he just takes the bus.
Of course, he might buy another sleigh one day, if he can purchase enough carbon credits to off-set his vast energy consumption in heating his home in the North Pole.
And remember this famous line from The Night Before Christmas? ....
"His eyes -- how they twinkled!
His dimples -- how merry!
His cheeks were like roses,
His nose like a cherry!"
Well, more health problems for Santa...he found out that the roses in his checks was actually a condition called Rosacea.
And his nose like a cherry?
Turns out, he has Raynaud's phenomenon: A disorder of the small blood vessels of the extremities, causing coldness and reduced blood flow.
It's amazing how all these 'disorders' can take all the romanticism and fun out of everything.
It's a good thing Santa's nose condition doesn't take away his sense of smell, but it wouldn't really matter if it did.
Santa no longer enjoys the rich aroma of pine trees that were delightfully decorated in celebration of Christmas holidays. All the trees are fake now days.
It was thought that cutting down pine trees for a few days in December was cruel and wasteful and people want to conserve the pine trees.
When Santa enters a home these days he smells Nag Champa incense or those little room fresheners that you plug into an outlet.
And don't even get me started on what has happened to the Nativity scene.
Children are no longer allowed to make Nativity scenes in school because of the whole "God / Religion / separation of God and State / other religions being represented or neglected" issue.
Apparently WE have to give up American traditions so that kids who don't observe such traditions won't feel left out or offended. But it seems to be okay to celebrate / observe THEIR holidays.
At first the Nativity scene was replaced with miniature versions of Santa's North Pole work shop and all the cute little elves making the toys.
However....people in the South Pole were offended that Santa didn't reside there. So, Santa has to divide the year between the North and South Pole.
Then it was thought that the elves were being exploited, since they were Little People, Dwarves, as it were.
So, the 'powers that be' stepped in and removed them.... FOR THEIR OWN GOOD.
They are now on state aid and a few are homeless because if they work anywhere it'll be an 'exploitation' issue and they'll be removed again ...for their own good.
Of course, Santa's elves were promptly replaced with 'average size people', but they are Union workers and are now on strike because of the huge toy recall when lead paint from China was discovered to have been used on some of the toys.
And remember when Santa kept score as to who was naughty and who was nice?
Well, not anymore.
There was public outrage with the parents concerning 'naughty' and 'nice' and many felt that their child would be scarred for life if they were deemed 'naughty'.
It was determined that in order to preserve their fragile self esteem ALL children were to be treated equally, no matter HOW much they misbehaved and 'acted out'.
After all, they probably had harsh childhoods, came from broken homes due to divorce, were ADD or ADHD, were of a different race / religious / regional background, wasn't hugged enough, and it most likely wasn't their fault if their 'inner child' was wounded.
They were entitled to all the gifts and amenities of everyone else, even if they didn't personally earn them....at least that's what the therapists and morning talk shows guests have told their parents.
Of course, children will have to confine their gift requests to emails and letters. Santa is no longer allowed to have children sit on his lap so they can tell him what they want under their Christmas holiday tree.
It was deemed improper and no one can be sure that Santa won't say or do anything 'inappropriate'.
It just doesn't look right!
It's best to not trust it.
Oh, and last year Santa was sued four times for being a racist, since he has always been depicted as being Caucasian.
And on two occasions his sexual orientation was called into question (not that there's anything wrong with that), but that was quickly squelched when it was brought out that he did indeed have a wife.
And now there's a situation where it's been called into question as to whether or not Santa should deliver gifts to undocumented immigrants.
But that will go on a back burner until Santa gets all his court appearances out of the way.
You will also not see Santa drinking delicious bottles of Coke. The Pepsi people felt slighted, and heath-conscious people felt it was more appropriate for Santa to be seen with bottled water instead of a soft drink...it would project a healthier lifestyle and he'd be setting a better example for children.
You know, if more people banded together we might get Christmas back to where it used to be.
(Enter The Vienna Boys Choir as they hum the tune of America The Beautiful in the background)
America stands for freedom. And that includes freedom of religion and we even have the right to be happy.
Remember celebrating WHAT we wanted to celebrate and HOW we wanted to celebrate?....before everyone felt offended?...before everyone else in the world felt slighted and left out and not represented enough?
Remember the sound of sleigh bells on grandma's front door and a big wooden bowl of mixed nuts, not the ones who posed for pictures in front of the tree.
I'm talking REAL nuts.
Remember big plates of yummy sugar cookies and other confections? And nothing was baked with Splenda and other substitutes.
..... the crunching sound of snow under your feet and the muffled sound of the great outdoors and how it sounded as though cotton had been stuffed in your ears?
(are you still hearing the humming of America The Beautiful?)
..... ear muffs and snow boots, mufflers and mittens?
..... going to the store and hearing everyone wish everyone a Merry Christmas and Happy New Year?
..... Nativity plays in school and church and remember receiving religious Christmas cards?
..... when no stores were open on holidays?
..... Egg Nog that only the adults could drink?
..... going to bed on Christmas Eve and being so excited you couldn't sleep? And the night lasted forever and you thought morning would never come?
..... getting a big bowl of popcorn and sitting in front of the TV in anticipation for It's A Wonderful Life or A Christmas Carol, the scary one with Allister Simms?
..... seeing relatives and family friends that you saw ONLY on Christmas gatherings?
..... taking a deep breath and smelling the pine Christmas tree in your living room? And if you listened close enough you could almost hear the twinkling lights on the tree.
Everyone had a star on an angel on the top of their tree....and those single electric 'candles' in the windows of the house...and people decorated their roof and walkway and there was always something special in the mailbox for the mailman.
Back then he wasn't called 'the mail person' or 'the mail carrier'.
Don't you miss those things?
If only we could have one more day like that...just one.
I want to wake up on Christmas day and it be 1967 for just one day.
I was 11 years old, and I was a Girl Scout.
My brother Alan, who was my favorite person in the world, would be home visiting us for two weeks. We would have turkey dinner with Aunt Jo and Uncle Dalton in Wilmington, Delaware.
And we would be giving them better gifts than they gave us, as usual.
I want to ride in the back seat of our Buick and listen to the noisy car heater and the rubbing sound of the wind shield wipers as it brushed the falling snow away. I even want to feel how the car was too warm and mom's cigarette smoke was choking us kids. I want to see the bright stars against the black sky and a moving set of lights and secretly hoping there really WAS a Santa Claus and I just caught a glimpse his sleigh.
My grandmothers, both of them, would be alive. They didn't have a lot of money for gifts, but I remember that us kids didn't really care about that. We loved seeing them anyway.
All the street lights of the small towns would be decorated for Christmas.
Our family would attend the lighting of the 60 ft. Holly Tree.
There would be snow on the ground in my hometown of Perryville, Maryland. And mom would be playing Johnny Mathis Christmas albums....or perhaps Elvis or The Lennon Sisters.
And I'd have my brand new Monkees album under the Christmas tree.
All I want this year is for it to be 1967 again.....because back then, Christmas didn't offend anyone.
Oh, and please keep this in mind, if your gifts are late this year, it's probably due to one or two of many security check points that Santa encounters on his route to your house.
After all, safety first!
You might want to just go ahead and buy what you want on Etsy! Santa may not make it this year.
Nothing dead or alive was hurt in the telling of this story.
Besides, this story probably isn't even true!
If you are offended or insulted in any way by this story, you might want to check your 'How I Helped Destroy A Time-Honored Celebration By Being Too Sensitive And Easily Offended' manual.
I'm sure it's already been covered by someone else.
This story does not necessarily reflect my personal or political views....
I'm just saying....
Oh, and you'll also receive a printed copy of the Politically Correct Santa Claus story.
Copyright © October 24, 2007 and October 25, 2011 Catt Alexander & Tom Hickman
To see more items in this section please visit the following link:
To go back to the beginning of my shop click here:
Remember, my items are not intended for children or to be played with.
And the stories are probably not even true!
I'm always happy to combine shipping if you want more than one item. Just let me know and we'll go from there.
As always, I ship Priority. If the price of shipping is less than you paid, I will refund the difference. If it's more than I quoted, I'll pay for it myself. And remember, never a handling fee.
All of my items comes from a non-smoking home. I have a cat, but he doesn't smoke, either.
Santa Claus, Politically Correct, Santa Claus Doll, Primitive Doll, Red, Scarlet, White, Christmas, Holiday, Gothic, Santa Clause, Skeleton,
- Handmade item
- Materials: muslin, stuffing, fleece, felt, rusted button, paint, wool, vintage buttons, tea stain, paper tag, jingle bell
- Feedback: 492 reviews
- Only ships to United States from South Carolina, United States.