Etsy Shop for criminalcrafts

Cake with a File inside

Wed, 02 Dec 2009 19:11:34 -0500

$120.00
A scrumptious two layer chocolate sponge cake with cream filling, fondant icing and white and dark chocolate embellishments, what could be better? Well, due to our devious nature we’ve put a file inside for a clean getaway!
This home baked creation is coated in a light apricot glaze to preserve freshness and priority mailed to you to ensure maximum flavor. We are happy to work with you on custom flavors like lemon poppy, vanilla, strawberry, and icing combination fondant colors.
Your durable metal file is about 6” in length and wrapped in a tidy parchment paper seal and has been stealthy hidden in the lower cake layer after baking. The cake itself is deliciously edible and securely padded for safe transport. The file is not edible and could be put to a multitude of uses. We’ve never actually tried to make a jail break with one, but seen it done in movies, so we’re fairly certain it should work- though a fault with this end of the product will not result in refund.
As a special offer we’re offering a 20% discount to anyone ordering who is under investigation for tax fraud or if your last name is Maddoff. Please convo for more info on felony specials.
This item is for delivery in the US only and will NOT be shipped directly to prisons, mental health facilities, government offices or HS detention, you’re just going to have to take it in person, and as we’ve spelled it out in delicious dark chocolate, “Good Luck”.

Dillinger Soap Gun

Tue, 24 Nov 2009 01:40:44 -0500

$4.00
What have we told you about leaving fingerprints every where?
Go wash your hands!

Nothing says “amateur criminal” like a messy crime scene. Nothing says “classy” like our hand- made Dillinger Soap.

The refreshing scents of eucalyptus and mint help you fight Public Enemy Number One, bad body odor. With gorgeous pearl handle details, and silky lather, this soap will look mighty sharp sitting in the guest lavatory.

We named our cleansing bar for John Dillinger the depression era bank robber, who successfully escaped from Crown Point, Indiana county jail using a bar of soap he’d carved into the shape of a gun. While we can’t make you a master criminal we can promise you a clean getaway.

Flaming Amy Cocktail Kit

Fri, 20 Nov 2009 00:50:40 -0500

$20.00
Named for and inspired by my arch rival Amy- This fab gift box has all the goodies to make several rounds of impressive flaming drinks with meat figurines who taste better when slightly charred.

Included inside is an 8 oz jar of our savory rim salt mix. Along with mixed red pepper varietals, this seasoning has a hint of lemon and fresh ground coriander.

Each kit has four "Amy" person shaped effigies hand cut from beef jerky. Of course you don't have to call them Amy, they could be anyone really, Bernie Madoff, AIG, the US economy... all great substitutions to go up in flames.

Flashy drinks call for swizzle sticks, something to make the garnish proud. Your box comes with four assorted clip art vintage flags.

A "Flaming Amy" signature cocktail recipe is also included, you will need to provide your own tomato juice and 151 Rum, we're just not set up for that last bit. All items come handsomely wrapped in a delightful wooden cigar box.

Dia de Los Muertos Sugar Skulls set of Three

Sat, 24 Oct 2009 18:42:08 -0400

$12.00
Blank Day of the Dead skulls for crafting and shrine making. 100% of sales proceeds go to "Wheels for Henry", a fundraiser to purchase tricked out van for one of our favorite eight-year-olds, his wheelchair and his super cool mom to get around town.

The skulls each measure 4" long and 1 1/2" high. They are handmade of sugar and egg white using traditional methods. We recommend using royal icing and sequins for decoration.

For more info on the fundraiser please visit the blog post:
http://wheelsforhenry.blogspot.com/2009/10/henrys-eighth-birthday.html

If you're in the Portland OR area, convo me for local delivery options.

Please convo too for bulk orders and priority mail options.

Felicidades!

Paper Funeral Diorama, The Patron Version

Thu, 22 Oct 2009 14:39:25 -0400

$15.00
Funeral planning on the quick and easy! The card, 5.5 inches by 6 inches, unfolds to set the back drop for a black and white cemetery scene. Enclosed inside is everything you need to plan that special day from transportation to flowers.

"The Patron" is our deluxe set and includes 3 split rail fences,8 assorted small headstones, 4 large headstones, 2 monuments,hearse, wreath and small stray cat. The prints are made from linoleum cut stamps and hand assembled. Each card comes with a custom envelope for mailing or sliding under a friend's door.

One yard Skullduggery fabric by Alexander Henry

Sun, 18 Oct 2009 15:05:55 -0400

$15.00
Just in time for your Halloween and Dia de los Muertos crafting. This gorgeous fabric is a nice heavy almost canvass type weight and works great as upholstery for covering chairs or making cute totes.

This listing is for ONE yard and is 44" inches wide.

Please conv me for additional yardage or if you would like an express mail or international shipping.

Unless otherwise specified, fabric will ship standard mail, US postal service.

Don't Get in My Way- Pulp fiction paperback

Sun, 04 Oct 2009 23:35:00 -0400

$8.00
"She saw only his small, muscular brown body and dreamed over it, cooling the palms of her hands on the window glass, breathed sharply and trembled when he took her hand and drew her toward the sofa, where he suddenly became gentle and coaxing, playing with her as if she were a large tawny kitten". Excerpt from page 154

"Don't Get in My Way- Life and Love in the Movie Colony", written and "specially abridged by Francis Clippinger, was originally titled "Rocket in the Night", and I really wish she would have kept that title- more provocative, non ce n'cest pas?

Written in 1954- this is a second edition copy in fairly smart condition. Sure to steam up your glasses, here's a note rom the inside flap...

"HOLLYWOOD HEEL- Brilliant, ambitious, ruthless and woman hungry- Darwin Hayes was all of these things. His hard handsomeness held a sensual attraction for more than one Hollywood lovely. Yet he always took from women without giving- until he met Lisa"

Grace Kelly's Rear Window Shades- Spy Glasses

Sat, 15 Aug 2009 20:18:51 -0400

$25.00
Fashionable "see behind" you spy glasses for adults. Designed for the amateur espionage agent, and the easily paranoid, these super hip dual image shades let you see who’s over the shoulder and chasing your tail while you appear to be looking straight ahead. Small wing mirrors rest inside the frames allowing you to see either forward or backward and the lenses of these little sweeties have awesome UV protection! A perfect gift for the stylista momma who swears she’s got “eyes in the back of her head”. Coming or going, we got 'ya covered girlfriend!