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LarrySagersLawBodega's Shop Announcement

Hi, I'm Dean Larry Sager, and welcome to my Etsy Shop: Larry Sager's Law Bodega. Whether you're looking for Larry Sager's Patented Dog Bandannas (no patent pending) or bedazzled law textbooks, you've come to the right place! Legally-inspired crafts from a legal craftsman!

All proceeds go to the University of Texas School of Law Annual Fund. Really. These items are for sale. Altho' in all honesty: almost everything here is held together with Elmer's Glue.

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I’m excited to introduce Larry Sager’s Law Bodega as perhaps the most radical and ambitious fund-raising campaign in the 128 year history of the University of Texas School of Law!

It’s no secret that the bloodless tendrils of the current economic downturn have finally reached within the walls of our law school. Our endowment, while robust, has not kept pace with projections, and annual tuition increases have, alas, become necessary to meet our own operating budget.

We initially considered implementing certain “austerity” measures within the law school. These measures were patterned after those that have met with such resounding success in the now vibrant economies of Greece and Iceland.

Free internet access would be suspended and replaced by paid subscriptions. Complementary access to WestLaw and Lexis accounts would have been discontinued. All public restrooms in the law school would be chained after 5 pm, and the quality of the “sanitary paper” would have been reduced by precisely one-ply. The air conditioning in the law school would have been turned off on Thursday afternoons, and reactivated on Tuesday afternoon when Professors R****n and S*****w return from the weekend. We even secured sponsorship deals with several corporate partners. The Susman Godfrey Atrium would become the “GoDaddy.com Law Box,” and Professor Mark A****r would now be known as “Professor Pepsi.”

Under these “austerity” provisions, it was recommended that classrooms be outfitted with motion and heat sensors, allowing the lights to be extinguished once the electric-eye indicated that the room had been vacated. We even began trials in several classrooms, but unfortunately, for a few of our more torpid or cold-blooded professors, the lights keep shutting off in the middle of their lectures. For the unfortunate Professor G*****a, it failed to recognize him as a warm-blooded mammal and the lights refused to come on.

(I am precluded by the faculty's union contract from revealing the identities of these particular professors. However, since we are state employees, please feel free to follow the lead of our friends in Wisconsin and file a request under the Freedom of Information Act to gain access to our private correspondence. I'll happily admit: I’ve been reading Professor W*****n's letters for years, and quite frankly, I am compelled to examine them through splayed fingers, to mute my own horror! They are akin to reading the most private inner thoughts of some Rimbaudian Libertine recently furloughed from an island prison).

Despite these financial difficulties, however, it has always been my motto that in adversity lies opportunity. A few years ago, when I contemplated retiring to the Texas Hill Country to raise my beloved emus, several of these obstreperous birds broke free from their paddock and made immediately for the nearest vineyard. They ended up terrorizing the peaceful denizens of Fredericksburg for several weeks with their unremitting wine-fueled savagery (recently filmed for the SyFy network as “Night of the Emu.” I am told I am played by “Screech” from something called “Saved by the Bell”). At that point, scorned by all around me, I certainly could have taken the advice of my own attorney, George D*x, and fled to Mexico. But I have never played fortune’s fool!! And I seized upon this moment to launch my own line of pre-packaged frozen Sager Farms Emu Burgers!

It is in that triumphal spirit that I launched Larry Sager’s Law Bodega. I hope you will take my hand and together, we can build a bridge that connects to an onramp that puts us on a highway that leads toward a brighter tomorrow!

Warmest regards,

Larry Sager