Garth Johnson is a California based writer, artist and educator with a raging craft problem. Extreme Craft is a compendium of art masquerading as craft, craft masquerading as art, and craft raising its middle finger.

Ah, Father’s Day: It smells of oiled wood and cheap cologne, with just a whiff of regret. I know you feel bad about all of the dull neckties and golfing DVDs that you've given your father over the years, so this year it's time to make it up to him. Wouldn’t Dad love something handmade and distinctive? It’s time to grow up and face facts — all fathers have their faults, so stop singing "Cat’s In the Cradle” every time you cross paths, and bury the hatchet with one of these special gifts.


Miniature Pipe Wrench Cuff Links

Your dad sees himself as many things, and I’m guessing that “handy” is one of them. Remember that time he “fixed” the sink, which led to massive water damage and a huge bill from the plumber to “unfix” his handiwork?  Give him these beautiful pipe wrench cufflinks, which he’s bound to accept with a smile. They'll be sure to remind him to just call the plumber next time. By pinktophat, $25.

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Hand-Carved Briarwood Tobacco Pipe (The Pick Axe)

I’m not one to promote tobacco addiction, but perhaps your father likes to unwind with a snifter of cognac and his favorite pipe when he comes home from the office. Would it kill you to make the old man happy for once instead of nagging him about his bad habits?  The least you can do is provide him with some old-world craftsmanship — something that can take part in his after-work ritual (and serve as a fine heirloom once the old man keels over from lung cancer). By Switchiecat, $44.99.

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Poker Dogs Win Hands Down -1950's style smoking jacket - Men's size Large

Let’s face it: your father's smoking jacket isn’t getting any younger.  He bought it before he married your mother because he thought she would find his Hugh Hefner-isms sexy.  For your mom’s sake, you should buy him this beautiful smoking jacket from bettyoatmeal.  She melded a vintage smoking jacket design with a “dogs playing poker” tapestry, and wound up with a true classic. Buy him this jacket so he’ll be the envy of his friends, as well as the wearer of a pretty great piece of conceptual art. By bettyoatmeal, $175.

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Ron Paul Felt Finger Puppet

If old people like anything, it’s Ron Paul. Your father has been paying taxes all his life, and he’s sick of it.   So who cares about things like Social Security and Medicare?  With this awesome Ron Paul finger puppet, your father will be able to put on endless puppet shows for your children about the evils of single-payer healthcare and tax-and-spend liberalism. This is the gift that keeps on giving! By mullishmuse, $9.

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Sigurd, a ceremonial Viking helm

If your dad isn’t exactly the smoking jacket and snifter of cognac type, then chances are he might enjoy this ceremonial Viking helmet by TomBanwell.  Imagine his golf buddies' surprise the next time he shows up on the links in full BERZERKER mode.  His days of waiting behind doddering, lollygagging groups of golfers will be behind him if you purchase this baby.  All it takes is a Viking helmet and a polite “May I play through?” and he’ll be good to go. Valhalla awaits (your purchase). By TomBanwell, $595.

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ERNST BORGNINE Signed Numbered Matted Art Print

No matter what kind of dad you have, it's highly probable he likes Ernest Borgnine.  Whether it’s the sensitive, vulnerable “Marty” Ernest Borgnine or the “McHale’s Navy” Ernest Borgnine, your father has more than likely spent plenty of happy hours appreciating his genius. This witty Max Ernst style mash-up painting by kategabrielle adds layers of cultural meaning that your father will enjoy “Ernestly” unpacking at breakfast with his golf buddies. By kategabrielle, $10.

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Baa Relief tee shirt

Another thing that fathers find irresistible is a baaaaaaaaaad pun. (Sorry about that one…I’m testing the waters for eventual fatherhood myself.)  Etsy seller smilingsquid is making a serious play for cornering the market in bad pun apparel, and I believe your father will enjoy getting in on the ground floor.  Like the Ernest Borgnine painter, smilingsquid enjoys combining wordplay with towering icons of world heritage. By smilingsquid, $15.

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Custom Made BBQ Smoker

Remember that kid in high school or college who could make a “smoking implement” out of anything from an apple to an old shoe?  My father-in-law is that way, only with do-it-yourself meat smokers.  He hung up his “smoking jacket” after an ill-fated attempt to make a rib smoker out of a filing cabinet. (He belatedly discovered that heat causes metal to expand, making the door inoperable.)  I’m not one to deny somebody the thrill of invention and working with their hands, but I’m pretty sure that giving the gift of this custom BBQ smoker would’ve saved some heartbreak all around. By mjmetalworks, $750.

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Meat grinder screenprinted pork necktie

Are you kidding?  With all of this great stuff, you’re still considering buying your father a tie?  If you must buy a tie, I think you should at least combine it with his favorite thing — meat!  Short of making him a tie out of bacon, this piggie grinder tie is the best you’re going to do.  If you opt to make him his a tie out of bacon, keep him away from bears (and that pack of feral cats that roam his neighborhood), and email me a picture at garth@extremecraft.com. By toybreaker, $30.

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