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The Highly Dubious Relic of Heinrick the Heretic

The Highly Dubious Relic of Heinrick the Heretic

Description

The Tall Tale -

Not along ago I was in Rome for the 2009 Annual World Class Liar’s Convention where I was slated to give a keynote address. With a bit of time to kill, I made my way to the Vatican, where The Secret Vatican Archive of Nefarious Heresies was having its annual spring clearance sale.

I popped in, not really expecting much of interest, and in that I was not disappointed. There were some scattered manuscript folios in Latin, sporting worn leather bindings and pictures of assorted demons, a broken spear blade (first century, Roman) bound together by steel wires and a brass band, a few tattered pages of deteriorating Coptic scribbling - you know, the usual tourist junk.

As I was turning to leave, I noticed the Last Chance! Everything Must Go! table in the corner. It really did not seem like it would be worth my time, but I was already there…

To make a long story short, I did find a piece which seemed like it might have a bit of history attached. The price was right, I took a chance, and here it is…

According to an internet site which I haven’t been able to locate again, what I found is most likely to be what is known in occult circles as The Highly Dubious Relic of Heinrick the Heretic. My source tells me that, sometime around 1432 or 33, Heinrick Obinswitzer (sometimes known as Heinrick the Odd) attempted to revive the old Gnostic heresy preached by Simon Magus, with the role of Sophia/Helena (divine wisdom lost in the excesses of the material world) played by an attractively long legged fraulein who went by the name of Babs.

As a sign of his power and authority to preach this esoteric doctrine, Heinrick would display this relic, using its power in a Teutonic ritual of transubstantiation, changing beer in bratwurst, and then back into beer again. Needless to say, this was a big hit at the local Beergarden, and Heinrick and Babs were soon invited to perform at local gatherings and weddings, entertaining a growing group of friends and admirers.

Things might have gone very well for Heinrick, except that the Beer Brewers Guild (or possibly the Bratwurst Grinders Guild. The records of the time period are incomplete) lodged a complaint with the local ecclesiasticals, and Heinricks last performance was to entertain his friends by sizzling on an outdoor spit like a piece of overdone bacon. Representatives of the Beer Brewers Guild and the Bratworst Grinders Guild provided the refreshments.

The Description -

I’m fairly certain that this is the piece described in the internet article. Here’s the description - you can compare it to the pictures yourself:

Copper cross, approximately 3 inches tall by 1.25 inches wide, pierced with a gothic pattern on the arms. The metal has been formed over stakes, giving it a graceful three dimensional effect, and is decorated on the face with a simple etched design and an oval agate cabochon with striations of rust red and off white set into a silver bezel. The copper is deeply patinated to a rich black, except where it has been polished off to show the contrasting color of the base copper beneath.

The cross is attached to a woven cotton cord with a silver colored jump ring which has been soldered shut for secure fastening. The cord itself is decorated with two brown colored glass beads bound to the cord with steel wires. The barrel clasp closure is also attached to the cord by steel wires.

Oddly enough, this dubious relic is marked on the back with my own personal touchmark - a little fish all curled up - and comes in a black velveteen drawstring pouch for safe storage.

I wonder how my little fish got on something that old?

Well, it is a highly dubious relic…

Added on Sep 23, 2009