What to do when you can't stand your daughter's boyfriend?

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"Yes, he is VERY controlling of her. Weekly there are arguments (between them) where she ends up calling him crying for him to forgive her. She begs and pleads for him to forgive her for some imagined slight. It scares me how attached she is to this boy."

Big warning signs of a potential abuser.

Posted at 8:40 am Aug 19, 2009 EDT

He sounds borderline abusive, from your description of his controlling behavior and how she has to "beg for forgiveness" for imagined slights.

Is there someone you know that she would actually listen to logically? A family friend, teacher or someone that might be able to help?

Posted at 8:40 am Aug 19, 2009 EDT

hellome says

If her personality has changed that much he could be abusive with her. If not physically then mentally/emotionally. It is definitely one of the warning signs. Women/young women who are with abusive men often think they love him because he somehow manages to brainwash her into thinking that he is the only man who will ever love him, that she is otherwise unlovable, using her flaws and insecurities (that we all have, real or imagined) to "prove" his point. This can create an overwhelming sense of desperation and need for this person that is mistaken for love, which could explain her not wanting to be away from him (at college), wanting to get married as soon as possible to keep him from leaving her.

I honestly don't know how to advise you other than to say you do probably need to intervene, but maybe in the shoring up of your daughter, not trying to take down or control the guy, if you know what I mean.

Posted at 8:41 am Aug 19, 2009 EDT

beaderjojo says

Wow...it's sounds like a spitting image of my then relationship. It ended (badly) but that was the best thing that could have ever happened. He was psycho.

It sounds like she is losing her identity to him, a very unhealthy relationship.
Is there someone that could talk to your daughter besides you - an "impartial party" that she is close to and would listen to? An aunt or someone? Anything you have to say will probably get ignored, or she'll do the opposite just to be rebelious (if she's anything like I was).

Posted at 8:42 am Aug 19, 2009 EDT

greytlife says

The best advice I can give is to consider family counseling....and the reason I say this is that pulling your family together (excluding the BF) in an environment where everyone is free to express their feelings with the supervision/guidance of a neutral party may be very revelatory.

It may give your daughter a new perspective on her situation.

I feel for you....and wish you and your family all the best!

Posted at 8:46 am Aug 19, 2009 EDT

Bullshit to his mother. She's YOUR child and still a minor, and I would remind her of that. SHe sounds wy too laissez-faire about her bloody son, which is why he's doing what he is. I'd lft the roof of if that was any one of my sons.

I'd do whatever I had to to protect my daughter, as he sounds like a manipulator already. I would be keeping VERY alert tabs on her. You're the mother, what you say goes. She might dislike you know but she'll get over it. And thank you later.

Id there anyway to increase the distance between them? As in her spending time with a family relative or going to school somewhere else for a little while? She's young, she needs to get away from the situation to realize that this is just a bump in he very long road of life.

Oh, OP, I feel for you. It's like one day they're a playful baby, and the next day they're feral. How can they change so fast?

Posted at 8:47 am Aug 19, 2009 EDT

It sounds like some family counseling may be advised at this point. He is too entrenched in her life for her to pay much attention to you, yet she is too young to unleash, without guidance, to the consequences of her own decisions.

Also, it needs to be made clear to all involved that any threats or abuses will not be tolerated.

Posted at 8:51 am Aug 19, 2009 EDT

jbug says

I wonder what his parents' relationship is like.

I lost a close friend to a controlling, emotionally abusive guy (now her husband). She's now cut off from all of her friends, although she is "allowed" to be friends with his best friend's wife. But that's it.
She is a shell of the vibrant person she was in school, before she met him.

Hugs & positive thoughts for you, Blush. Be strong for your daughter - she may not know it, but she really needs you now.

Posted at 8:56 am Aug 19, 2009 EDT

ugh, what a nightmare. my first thoughts were also about drug use. and definitely he's emotionally controlling. you could use some counseling to better understand how to deal with it. and she needs someone to talk to that she trusts. Being a teenager is soooo difficult. and being as parent is even more difficult.

Posted at 9:05 am Aug 19, 2009 EDT

FuzzyIzmit says

While I have not been in this situation, I would suggest family counseling.

Posted at 9:07 am Aug 19, 2009 EDT

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