Fictional Map of a Theoretical (yet Improbable) Subway Map of the Dutch City of Assen (A2 paper size; frame not included)


Welcome to the city of Assen, home to the country’s most overly extensive metro transit network for a mid-sized city that already has a perfectly suitable bus network. The Assen Metro: so underground that you’ve probably never heard of it.

For the convenience of the international visitor, this map has been translated into English with the highest degree of literal accuracy, ensuring that no confusion will arise whatsoever when finding your way around the City of Ashes (Asses? Axes?). Now you too can explore this beautiful city without being put on the wrong leg or feeling like you have been sent from the cupboard to the wall.

Take a smooth ride from the northeastern town of Sage all the way to the picturesque village of High Smilth in the southwest, or skip the busy city centre during the weekends by hopping on at Joseph Church and getting off at the Blue Smack. Traverse the Whiter Field while pondering the natural beauty going over your head, or leave for an adventurous detour all the way to the historical streets of Westborough.

The unique Assen Metro Transit Network is available both to the weary commuter seeking an easy and accessible method to get from Alefield to Ballough, and to those audacious pioneers looking for the road less travelled. Pay no heed to the pretentious voices in the Randstad saying ‘why would you even want to go there’, ‘what does a town this size need a metro for’ or ‘excuse me, I’m trying to get to work, stop harassing me with random questions about Assen’. The Assen Metro is truly something you have to see in order to believe.