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From the Gospel of Nul-luk the Follower (Follow Sasquatch Jesus on twitter at sasquatchjesus.)

33: They came to a place called Spokane, (which means the place to be bored out of one's skull).
34: It was far away from Sasquatch Jesus' forested home.
35: Along with Sasquatch Jesus was his mother Mary, and his beloved disciple Mary of Magdelene, otherwise known as Miriam.
36: There in the empty plains, they erected a cross and crucified Sasquatch Jesus. The sky grew dark and the sun turned as black as sack cloth. Above his head was placed a sign that said: THE KING OF SASQUATCH.
37: Two robbers were crucified with him, one on his right and one on his left.
38: At his feet, his Mary his Mother wept.
39: Jesus looked down, and his heart was filled with pity. He spoke, “Mother, why do you weep? Is not my Father coming to save me?”
40: Mary looked around, “Your father?! Yes, your father could save you! Where is he?”
41: “Mother, you of all people should know, my Father is everywhere. He is all powerful and all knowing and he will save me.”
42: “Oh, you mean your Father, the one and true God, and not some wild-eyed centurion with a husky voice and the heady scent of beer and blood that I may or may not have met at a bar one night.” Mary averted her eyes.
43: “Mother, I will soon be with my Father. And the world will be saved from his terrible wrath.”
43: Mary, his mother fell to her knees, “But you have not finished your mission here on Earth!”
44: “Oh, Holiest of Mothers, but I have. I have shown the world the wonders of my fathers power. I have taught them to love my fathers grace, and to fear his terrible anger. I now I am sacrificing myself to atone for all of the wickedness of sasquatchkind. What else is there to do?”
45: “I want a grandchild.”
46: “I am God the father's only begotten son. I am to remain pure and sinless. How could you ask such a thing from me?”
47: “Do you not think that God's only begotten Grandson is a part of his plan?”
48: “Mother, you know not what you ask! My time is near. Soon I will be at my Father's side, and we will return to judge the living and the dead.”
49: “Your Father, your Father. That is all you ever talk about. So why has he forsaken me? Who will take care of me when I am old and you are gone?”
50: “My Father will, dear mother, for in Him all things are accomplished.”
51: “Horseshit. I have followed you for thirty-three years! Most women my age are great-grand parents! All I want is a grandson!!"
52: “Mother!!” exclaimed Sasquatch Jesus, most exasperatedly. Grey clouds began to form in the sky.
53: “Oh come on!” continued Mary. “What about Miriam?” Is she not your beloved disciple? I know she does not have a beard like a proper Sasquatch, but I am sure that she is fertile.”
54: “I am on this cross so that I might save Sasquatchkind from the sin that engulfs the world. I must be a pure sacrifice to appease my father. And I am on a cross.”
55. “Son, I'm sure we can work something out. We can get a blanket and a ladder. If your anything like your father, it won't take that long and one time is all you'll need. I need a grandchild.”
56: “Mother! Please! Miriam is not that kind of Sasquatch. She is a loyal and pure disciple. She will lead the cause after I am seated at the right hand of the father. By the way, where is Miriam?”
57: Miriam was standing away from the base of the cross with her arm around a Roman sasquatch. The cock crowed.
58: Jesus cried, “Miriam, Miriam, why hast thou forsaken me?”
59: Miriam turn and walked toward the cross. The soldier followed. “Hey, Jesus,” said she. “This is Brutus the Bigfoot.” Miriam said without taking her eyes of Brutus.
58: “Miriam, my beloved disciple, why are you talking to that Roman soldier? Are you trying to convert him to save his lost soul?” Jesus questioned in a hopeful voice.
59: “Jesus we need to talk.” Miriam lowered her head.
60: “Miriam? In me you can confide all of your sins, and I will forgive.” Sasquatch Jesus said.
61: “Look Jesus, the last couple of years have been fun, with all of the wandering and teaching. Don't get me wrong, I enjoyed every minute of it, and I wouldn't change a thing. I liked wandering through the country without a care or penny in the world. But a girl has got to grow up and settle down. Brutus here has a good job. He has his own cave.” Miriam said as she took the hand of Brutus.
62: “But Miriam, I have a place in Heaven, and through me and only me will you see the Father!” Jesus said.
63: “Jesus, you have to face the facts. We've grown apart. I have needs and wants. You're up there on a cross. I'm going one way and you're, well, going away. I just don't think our relationship has a future. If I don't go now, I'll just end up resenting you, and I want to remain friends.” Miriam tried to smile.
64: “Miriam, I'll be back in three days. We can talk more about this then.” Jesus pleaded.
65: “Sorry, Jesus. I love you, but I am not in love with you. I am sorry. Stay strong and hang in there. You'll find another... well, say hi to your Father for me.” she blushed and turned to walk away from Jesus.
66: Jesus was about to speak, but then a centurion thrust a spear into the side of Jesus.
67: “Ow! That hurt.” Jesus yelled.
68: “Sorry, just doing my job,” replied the Roman soldier.
69: “Miriam! Wait!” But by that time Miriam was no longer at the foot of the cross. She was passionately making out with Brutus the Bigfoot.
70: “Oh way to go Jesus!” cried Mary with sarcasm. “What kind of son leaves his mother all alone with no hope of grandchildren?! Well, I always knew that Miriam was a hussy! Which is why I always hoped...” again Mary began to weep.
71: And then the sky grew dark. Sasquatch Jesus looked into the heavens “Father, you can step in anytime now.... Dad?.... Dad?”

This classical rendering of the Passion is 19"*15".

The Passion of Sasquatch Jesus


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