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Taken from “The Handbook to Save Dirty Heathens From Themselves”

Chapter 7. How to Approach an Atheist.

Of all of the kinds of people you will encounter, atheists are by far the most dangerous and most challenging. There are several key things to remember when handing out tracts:

1.Show no fear. Fear is a sign of weakness, and without a moral code as given by Sasquatch Jesus and Bigfoot Yahweh, an Atheist is as likely to kill and rape you as they are to say hello.

2.Smile, but don't show your teeth. Most Atheists think that we came from monkeys. Flashing teeth is a sign of aggression for monkeys, and presumably also for atheists.

3. Also make sure to have plenty of hand sanitizer. For without a moral code, there is no telling where those Atheists put their hands.

4.Atheists love to answer questions. It makes them feel smart. Try asking questions like “If Sasquatch Jesus isn't real, then how do you explain all of the miracles in the Bigfoot Bible?” or “If your so smart, then why are you going to hell?”

5.Respond to every question with, “Interesting point, and you should bring it up with the Sasquatch Angel that will throw you into the Loch of Fire. As for me, since I accepted Sasquatch Jesus as my Lord and Savior and have guaranteed entrance to the Woods of Joy, I don't even need to contemplate that point.”

6.Above all else remind the Atheist that no matter how “good” they think they are, the angry vengeful Bigfoot Yahweh is going to throw them into a Loch of Fire for ever and ever. And tell them that they are lucky, because no matter how bad they are (atheists are by definition the worst of the worst), a kind benevolent Sasquatch Jesus, who happens to be the same deity as the vengeful Bigfoot Yahweh, will forgive them and let them romp in the Woods of Joy, so long as they accept Him, without questions as their Lord.

7.If after you have made every threat about Nessie and her atheist eating tendencies in the loch of fire and those damn dirty atheists still do not accept Sasquatch Jesus as more than a legend, leave them with these words of wisdom: “Don't make the same mistake that Harry T. Henderson did. The choice is yours.”

The tract along with the frame measures about 5" by 7" and is based on those Chick Tracts people leave on your windshield or at restaurants in lieu of a tip.

Squatchtract -- Legend or Lord


  • Materials: duck tape, duct tape, foil tape, electrical tape, glow in the dark tape
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