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From the Forgotten Gospel of the Kwi-Kwiyai.

This is how the Lord and Savior of all Sasquatchkind came to be in the Year of our Lord zero, which was awfully convenient for later year numbering systems. The great and powerful Bigfoot Caesar Septemberus, sat on the throne, and in his day ordered a census to count the heads of all Sasquatchkind in the Empire, from the Bigfoots in the North to the Sunkapes in the South. The great Caesar decreed that each Sasquatch must return to the land of his or her forefathers to be counted. When his magistrates told the Caesar that having the Sasquatches travel to their forefathers homes would be a horrible way of doing a census, and that it would be much easier and more effective to count the Sasquatches where they currently lived. The Caesar replied to them that it would be too much work to rescind the decree, but instead the magistrates were to destroy all records and mentions of the census to hide this blunder from future historians.

At the time of the decreed, Joseph was living far from the land of his forefathers. He was to be married to a young maiden Sasquatch named Mary. He had payed two deer and a beaver skin as a dowry, which was quite a lot for a miserly Bigfoot like Joseph to pay. However, she was the fairest and most beautiful Sasquatch in the land, and purportedly a virgin. But shortly after the arrangements were finalized and her parents fled with the deer and beaver skin, Joseph did find that Mary was pregnant. Joseph was at a loss. If his future wife was pregnant by another Sasquatch, the will of God was clearly written that Mary was to be denounced as a harlot and beaten to death with large branches. If not, the sins of her indiscretion would stain him as well. But Mary was beautiful. And Mary could do this thing that while technically forbidden by the good book, was very pleasing to him. But she still claimed she was still a virgin. She swore that it was the Holy Sasquatch Spirit and not the whole Roman Battalion in a beer and meat fueled orgy that had gotten her pregnant, and that in her womb was not the illegitimate product of numerous nameless liaisons but the Savior of all of Sasquatchkind.

This put Joseph in an unpleasant place. If Joseph were to doubt Mary and have her branched to death, and then it turned out that it really was God's only begotten son in her oven, then God would be very angry and him and would most likely strike him down. And, if he did branch Mary, he would be out two deer and a beaver skin. Joseph prayed for God to show him a sign. That is when Joseph heard of the decree. He knew what he was to do. He was to travel to the land of his forefathers, Bethlehem Pennsylvania. There Mary would give birth. If it was the son of God, then he would remain with Mary, raise the child and gain favor with the Lord. If it wasn't, Joseph reasoned, he could at least sell the child to the producer of those stupid beef jerky commercials to make up for the two deer and the beaver skin and still have Mary branched quietly by his forefathers, who were into that sort of thing.

So Joseph and Mary, heavy with child, set forth to the place of Joseph's forefathers. They crossed the county, through the woods, mountains, plains and rivers, and battled with many dragons on the way. After many days of walking, Mary and Joseph entered a clearing. And saw the sign “Welcome to Bethlehem.”

“Joseph, we have been walking for so many days, and my feet are tired.” Mary said to her beloved husband.

Joseph groaned. “Are we there yet? My feet are tired. Are we there yet? My back hurts. Why do you get to ride the donkey and I have to walk? Yap! Yap! Yap! For the love of God SHUT UP!!!Speaking of whom, if your feet are so fucking tired then why haven't you asked your baby's daddy to whisk us cross the country, or is that too much to ask?” Joseph said as he lit another cigarette.

“Joseph, we're here. Let's just find a hotel. So I can just get off my feet.” Mary said. She had grabbed a brochure. There were many affordable places to choose. “This one is cheap and has a hot tub.”

“I ain't paying for a hotel. There's a stable over there by that tall tree. That's good enough.” Joseph said counting the coins in his purse.

“But I'm pregnant. I need to get off my feet. I need a bed and a hot shower.” Mary pleaded.

“Look, if you want a hotel, ask your Baby Daddy to rain some gold. Until then, I'll be damned if I 'm paying for a hotel room. You're staying at that stable, and I'm going into town for cigarettes and whiskey.” Joseph left Mary in the stable.

It was night fall when Joseph, still angry and looking for a fight, stumbled back into the stable, with a cigarette and a half empty bottle of whiskey.

“Joseph, my water just broke.” Mary was laying on the floor in a puddle of amniotic fluid.

“What exactly am I going to do with broken water? You want it fixed, just ask your Baby Daddy to fix it.” Joseph said. He was drunk with joy over the arrival of the new Savior.

Mary screamed in pain, as the holy contractions began. “You idiot, the baby is coming.”

“Don't call me an idiot...” Joseph raised his hand, to bless his wife. Just then there came a mighty blast of sound from outside. As a angel of the Lord appeared above the manager playing a silver horn.

From the east three wise men appeared. They said. “Is this the holy party? We saw the lights and heard that Mary 'Magic Hands' was here. The whole Seventh Legion still sings her praise. Don't worry, we did not come empty-handed. We bring gifts of beer, vodka and meat.”

Mary screamed again. The holy contractions were getting stronger and closer together, and she had dilated to a blessed 8 inches.

“Where the women at....Oh, my God! What the hell is happening?” said the first wise-man as he noticing Mary on the ground.

“I having a baby, you wise-man!” Mary screamed again. The holy contractions were becoming more rapturous.

“What kind of sick floor show is this? And whatever it is, I like it.” The wise-man in front knelt to see better.

“I'm having the Son of God right now. You sick pervert.” Mary yelled at the first wise-man.

“It better be the Son of God, or so help me God,” Joseph said raising his hand again to bless his wife.

“So Mary, what will you do for an encore? Put it back in?” said the second wise-man. As he drank some of the vodka he was holding.

“Screw you all.” Mary screamed. “My Child is coming. You, perverted wise-men, drop the gifts on the floor and get the hell out of here! Now!” The wise-men fled in terror, as the holiness and purity of the event was too much for them. And they feared Mary would hurt them severely. Mary turned and stared at Joseph. “And Joseph, you say 'Baby Daddy' one more time, I swear to God, I am going to rip your ba....” Mary screamed. And the Savior crowned.

Then the deer herder in the field, seeing the angel and the wise-man running away, and thought Not again.. He came running “Hey you kids! Get out of my manger!”

But it was too late, for unto him a Savior was born.

The picture of the actual birth is 16"*12".

The Virgin Birth - A Sasquatch Christmas.


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