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Sasquatch Jesus in the Pale Moon Light.

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This is the Gospel and Testimony of St. Cletus as transcribed by St. Joanne his blessed disciple, wife and cousin.

“I done swear this is all truth, the whole truth, and ain't none of it, but the truth. Ain't one word of this here testimony is lie. I done saw the redemption of mankind walking through the woods under the pale moon light, as plain as I see you.
“You gots to know a couple of things about me, and the kind of man I was at the time. Now, what you see before you now, is a righteous man. A good man, who does right by his fellow man. But that ain't always been so. You see, there was a time when I weren't no saint. I was a sinner, and I sinned me some awful sins. You name it. You think it. I did it. I was a backbiter, a whoremonger, and a drunkard. I raised my hand in anger, and took the Lord's name in vain. I was a sad wreck of a man, with ain't a redeeming trait. I was hell bound, and I ain't care not one lick about it.
“But then it happened. I saw Him. And that sin and that dirt washed off me like water off a duck's back.
“Now, I had me a still up there by Parker's Ridge. Normally, I had it by the chicken coop, but the sheriff kept poking his nose around the homestead, so I done move it to the ridge. And that's why I was up in those woods that night. And what an awful night it was. The sky was dark. Like the devil himself stole the moon and stars. And to done top it off, my lantern done quit. There wasn't enough light to see the back hair of a two dollar whore.
“So, there I was on, Parker's ridge. It was as dark and as damp as a dead hooker's snatch. I was drunk, and I wandered in the woods. I was lost, in more ways than I knew. I was stumbling over roots, and I was stumbling over sin. I was cursing the ground, the sky and anything that I could. It was getting awfully cold. Hurt down to the bone.
“I ain't got no idea how long it was I was lost in them woods. I began to wonder if I would even make it home again. For the first time in my life I cried to God to show me the way. God needed to show me his mercy.
“Then it happened, a miracle. A real to life miracle. The storm clouds parted. The moon came out. Then I saw Him, walking through the woods. He was moving as quiet as a ghost's fart along the creek bank. He was a big hairy fella. He had a sullen look on His face. And He done had this big a cross on His shoulders. I mean it was a big cross. A cross so big you could hang the sins of the world on.
“It was like the big fella slapped me across the face. I was awake for the first time watching Sasquatch Jesus bare His cross. He bore that cross for me. That cross was a testament to my sins. That hairy beast was symbolically taking my faults upon His back so that I would be prefect in Yeti Yahweh's eyes.
“I fell to my knees. And I was changed right there and then. I never did go to my still. Never touched a drink again. No one drop. I ran down that ridge as fast as my legs could go. I was shouting His message. I had been given a second chance at righteousness.
“And so have you. If you're a sinner, a drunk, a backbiter, a whoremonger, war monger, a monger of some other sinful behavior. It don't matter one lick. Just fall to your knees and ask for the forgiveness of Sasquatch Jesus. His big feet will stomp out the flaws of your soul. And you'll live in the love of Sasquatch Jesus and his father Yeti Yahweh forever and ever.”

And so ends the testimony of St. Cletus.

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Sasquatch Jesus in the Pale Moon Light.

Overview

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  • Materials: duct tape, duck tape, electrical tape
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