ShittyBasketsDotCom

If you gave an infinite number of monkeys a planet

Providence, Rhode Island · 9 Sales

ShittyBasketsDotCom

If you gave an infinite number of monkeys a planet

Providence, Rhode Island 9 Sales On Etsy since 2012

0 out of 5 stars
(6)

Shop owner

Mr. P

Contact

Announcement   HELLO WORLD.

It's been over a year since the last shitty basket was scourged upon the internet, and not that anyone gives a shit, but the main reason it died is that JD, who did the bulk of the "work" on the etsy page went out of his god damn gourd, moved out of his sleek downtown apartment and into an abandoned, snake-infested, overgrown garage - not unlike a cave - in the middle of a swamp where he refuses to use electricity or fossil fuels and only ever leaves to buy McDonald's coffee and occasionally show up at kids' birthday parties to go through people's jacket pockets for loose change.

(EDIT: THAT PART IS ABSOLUTELY 100% ACCURATE. WE TELL A LOT OF JOKES AROUND HERE, BUT IF ANYONE SEES A SIX-AND-A-HALF-FOOT HOMELESS HEAVY METAL SINGER SOMEWHERE IN CONNECTICUT PLEASE JUST TRY TO BE NICE TO HIM)

Anyway, since then there have been imitators, wannabes, usurpers, and overseas outsourcing initiatives, but nothing has ever come close to the level of pure unadulterated shit that once gushed explosively from the red, swollen web portals of ShittyBasketsDotCom. And maybe, if we feel like it, (or anyone even remembers what I'm talking about) we will once again half-assedly throw together a few poor quality wicker goods for all the world to abhor, when and if we ever sober up enough to figure out how this shitty website actually works.

What we won't ever do is try to leverage any of this nonsense into anything that's actually designed to make money like any of the other joke etsy pages and blogs that rail against late-capitalism, and wallow in ironic mock self deprecation, (until - of course - they get 11 followers and then suddenly they're a merchandising wizard), because that's fucking boring and lame. And anyone who does that is an even bigger loser than they're pretending to be. So don't expect any t-shirts, podcasts, or ironic kickstarter campaigns. And definitely don't expect any links to our "real etsy store" because We're are all shit all the time. Uh-huh.

Announcement

Last updated on Mar 18, 2017

HELLO WORLD.

It's been over a year since the last shitty basket was scourged upon the internet, and not that anyone gives a shit, but the main reason it died is that JD, who did the bulk of the "work" on the etsy page went out of his god damn gourd, moved out of his sleek downtown apartment and into an abandoned, snake-infested, overgrown garage - not unlike a cave - in the middle of a swamp where he refuses to use electricity or fossil fuels and only ever leaves to buy McDonald's coffee and occasionally show up at kids' birthday parties to go through people's jacket pockets for loose change.

(EDIT: THAT PART IS ABSOLUTELY 100% ACCURATE. WE TELL A LOT OF JOKES AROUND HERE, BUT IF ANYONE SEES A SIX-AND-A-HALF-FOOT HOMELESS HEAVY METAL SINGER SOMEWHERE IN CONNECTICUT PLEASE JUST TRY TO BE NICE TO HIM)

Anyway, since then there have been imitators, wannabes, usurpers, and overseas outsourcing initiatives, but nothing has ever come close to the level of pure unadulterated shit that once gushed explosively from the red, swollen web portals of ShittyBasketsDotCom. And maybe, if we feel like it, (or anyone even remembers what I'm talking about) we will once again half-assedly throw together a few poor quality wicker goods for all the world to abhor, when and if we ever sober up enough to figure out how this shitty website actually works.

What we won't ever do is try to leverage any of this nonsense into anything that's actually designed to make money like any of the other joke etsy pages and blogs that rail against late-capitalism, and wallow in ironic mock self deprecation, (until - of course - they get 11 followers and then suddenly they're a merchandising wizard), because that's fucking boring and lame. And anyone who does that is an even bigger loser than they're pretending to be. So don't expect any t-shirts, podcasts, or ironic kickstarter campaigns. And definitely don't expect any links to our "real etsy store" because We're are all shit all the time. Uh-huh.

Mr. P

Contact shop owner

Mr. P

You are the basket...
$1,776.00
stone cold classic
$84.00
Fancy Easter Basket with frilly bows
$12.00
Fancy hammer, broken does not work good, As is
$101.00
Quite possibly the best basket we've ever made
$20.00
Memorial Basket : Titled - 'The Days of Pain'
$44.00
Paper and natural fiber cross-woven gift basket
$4.00
God
$809.00
Crumpled Ball of Gross Socks
$5.00
i don't know what I'm doing
$123.45
Some kind of basket, Adorned with bits of string
$25.00
Fancy Easter Basket
$2,001.00
View all 32 items

Reviews

No reviews in the last year
Alex

Alex on Feb 9, 2016

5 out of 5 stars

I purchased this basket a year and eight months ago. I actually forgot that I had purchased it... but then I remembered – and then there it was at my doorstep!! AMAZINGGG – I love you ShittyBasketsDotCom!!

Natallia

Natallia on Apr 21, 2014

5 out of 5 stars

i love my basket! :))))

heidi

heidi on Apr 16, 2014

5 out of 5 stars

shittiness promised and shittiness delivered! i could not be more thrilled with these shitty post cards!! thanks shittybasketsdotcom!

View all 6 reviews

About

Let's wrap this up quick I have to go help my friend Matt buy a new sofa at Ikea. God I fucking love Ikea. (Is that catchy? it's totally true.)

A BRIEF INTERVIEW/ FAQ WITH CO-OWNER/ ENTREPRENEUR ANNONYMOUS DON'T LOOK AT ME

CK: have you sold any shitty baskets yet?

JD: no!
I can't believe it!
I mean
These are the shittiest baskets around. But we're confident that we'll gain momentum once the word gets out.

EDIT: AS OF NOVEMBER 2016 WE HAVE SOLD NEARLY SEVERAL BASKETS AND BASKET-LIKE ITEMS.

CK: haha

JD: You can't get any shittier at these prices

CK: so is this a serious business venture?

JD: This etsy store is just a place holder until we get the main site up and running later this quarter
We;ve already purchased the ShittyBaskets.com domain for two years.

EDIT: I GOT RID OF THAT SITE BECAUSE I BOUGHT IT THROUGH GOOGLE AND GOOGLE IS REALLY STARTING TO SUCK BALLS IN CASE NO ONE HAS NOTICED. I'VE BEEN SAYING IT FOR YEARS BUT SERIOUSLY THE SHIT GOOGLE DOES IS LIKE THE PREAMBLE TO A DYSTOPIAN NOVEL. LIKE "IN THE BEFORE-TIME, THE GOOGLE GAVE US EVERYTHING WE NEEDED AND NEVER ASKED FOR ANYTHING IN RETURN, THEN THE EVENT CAME, AND THE GOOGLE CAME TO COLLECT IT'S DUE...." I MEAN COME ON, REALLY? LET'S ALL JUST GIVE ALL OF OUR PROPERTY AND DATA AND ALSO OUR IMPORTANT DOCUMENTS AND VIDEOS AND 3D SCHEMATICS OF OUR HOUSES TO THE FASTEST GROWING CORPORATE OVERLORD THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN. AND ALSO LET'S JUST NOT LEARN ANYTHING ANYMORE AND LET IT BE OUR ONLY SOURCE OF KNOWLEDGE AND LET IT REMEMBER ALL OF OUR CONTACTS AND PERSONAL INFORMATION FOR US. WHAT COULD GO WRONG? I'M TELLING YOU PEOPLE, THE SHIT IS ABOUT TO HIS THE FAN. GOOGLE IS ABOUT TO GO PSYCHO EX-GIRLFRIEND ON ALL OF OUR ASSES. GET THE FUCK OUT. IT'S PROBABLY ALREADY TOO LATE BUT GET THE FUCK OUR ANYWAY.

EDIT: OK WE HAVE A WEBSITE AGAIN BUT IT JUST REDIRECTS HERE BECAUSE I"M TOO FUCKNG LAZY TO ACTUALLY MAKE A WEBSITE ALSO THE WEBSITE IS ACTUALLY SHITTYBASKETSDOTCOM.NET BECAUSE I CAN"T GET THE OTHER ONE TO WORK BECAUSE LIKE EVEN THOUGH I DON"T PAY FOR IT I STILL HAVE TO HAVE THE PASSWORD TO GET IT AND IT"S ALL FUCKED UP> WHY AM I NOT USING THE FUCKNG CAPS LOCK RIGHT NOW??? I"VE JUST BEEN HOLDING DOWN THE SHIFT BUTTON FOR THIS WHOLE FUCKNG PARAGRAPH WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH ME MY PINKY IS ON FIRE RIGHT NOW HOLY SHIT

CK: sweet i hope the baskets gget shittier as you get better
perfect

JD: We expect ad sales to gross several thousand in the opening week.

CK: maybe get shittybirdsnests as an alternate .com

EDIT: ACTUALLY THE NEW OFFICIAL WEBSITE IS SHITTYBASKETSDOTCOM.NET SO GO CHECK THAT OUT TOO. SPOILER: THERE'S NOTHING THERE.

JD: notice how we chose unique backdrops for each item to offset their shittyness? We want you to know that what you're getting is a really shitty product, and we hope that our customer reviews will confirm that once business picks up.

EDIT: YUP THAT HAPPENED...

CK: did you make the one thats ann actual birdcage?

JD: No. That was a found basket. Did you get a chance to read our descriptions?
We plan on stocking some pre-fab and vintage baskets as demand rises beyond our small workshop's capacity.

CK: truly hilarious

so these are just found pictures?
or are these shitty pictures in your possesion

JD: We have a full stock of shitty baskets ready to ship. Shipments are usually made whenever the hell we feel like it. We don't just want you to get a shitty product; we take care to make sure that every step of the buying process is done as shittily as possible.

CK: these descriptions are hilarioius
who is your business partner

JD: ShittyBaskets.com is a joint venture between Diego Perez, Charles Potter, and J.D. Fontanella.

EDIT: YEAH JD'S LIKE DEAD OR SOMETHING. WE SERIOUSLY HAVEN"T HEARD FROM HIM.

CK: nice Good luck with shitty baskets i gotta go back to work

JD: Thanks for taking the time to visit ShittyBaskets,com. Have a shitty day!

CK: thank you i will!!!

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Shop policies

Last updated on March 18, 2017
Hey how's it going, here are my policies. I'm watching Willow in another window while I type this so it may get fucked up or I might just not finish. My policy is that doing work is for losers and I like to eat candy. If you try to buy anything I can't guarantee that anything good or bad will happen, at all, in the near or distant future.

If you fancy yourself some kind of amateur comedian by all means send me a garbled message that doesn't make any god damn sense. It's a VERY popular thing to do apparently. Be sure to use lots of internet shorthand and meme-speak that I don't understand, and regurgitate lots of inside jokes from Reddit or that old site Regretsy, because I know absolutely nothing about either of those but fuck it just go for it. And please include lots of attempts at personal insults - even though you don't know me - because you think that kind of behavior is somehow appropriate, or you think that I'll find it funny, (I guess?) That's, like, my favorite thing ever. For sure. Do more of that.

Woah, I totally forgot about old wizard lady who keeps animorphing into different shit. How did I forget about that? She's basically lady Gandalf and she's totally bad ass. This movie is so fucking good.

Accepted payment methods

  • Pay with Visa
  • Pay with Master Card
  • Pay with American Express
  • Pay with Discover
  • Pay with PayPal
  • Buy with Apple Pay
  • Pay with Sofort
  • Pay with iDeal
  • Accepts Etsy gift cards
Payment
This is the part where you give me money, as I understand it. This happened to me one time and it was totally sweet. Another time, Etsy fucked it all up and I had to give the money back so that was dumb. Did you know that Etsy's spellchecker doesn't recognize "Etsy" as a real word? That's kind of weird isn't it? I mean there's a lot of stuff about this site that doesn't make sense, (not the least being my own shop), but you'd think that the admins would train the HTML spelling enzyme or whatever to learn how to spell the thing that it is... or something... Maybe if you teach a website it's own name there's a danger that it will become self aware and get really needy, or try to take over the web, or something? I don't know how it works, but the guys who make websites should know how it works probably, right? I had a website once.

EDIT: THAT WEBSITE AGAIN IS SHITTYBASKETSDOTCOM.NET DON"T GO THERE THOUGH BECAUSE YOURE ALREADY HERE. WELCOME. WELCOME TO SHITTYBASKETSDOTCOM.NET HOPE YOURE HAVING A SHOPPING EXTRAVAGANZA WHATEVER THAT MEANS
Shipping
I come to your house at night and knead my scrotum out like pizza dough against your kitchen window.

I mean that's just what I'm trying to do in general. That doesn't have anything to do with our shipping policy. I'm just saying it would make it a lot easier for me to do that if you gave me your address. So it's your call.

We do not offer any shipping of any kind for any of our products. Please be advised.

EDIT: IF YOU ASK ME NICELY I MIGHT ACTUALLY SEND YOU SOME OF THE FONT POST CARDS. THEY'RE PRETTY RADICAL.
Refunds and Exchanges
LOL. You have got to be fucking kidding me.
Additional policies and FAQs
FAQs:

1. "If I buy this is what are the chances I'm going to end up with splinters in my ass?"

No.

2. "For real though, am I going to get a bunch of splinters in my ass?"

No.

3. "Seriously. If I buy this and I'm left with a bleeding splintery asshole that is going to be a big problem for both of us."

Nope.

4. "Dude?"

Dude.

5. "Listen, what I'm trying to say is some of these things are made of wood."

Yeah I get it.

4. "So you're saying that I will definitely not end up with any splinters in my ass whatsoever."

Not a problem.

6. "Ok but I swear to god, dude..."

It's all good.

7. "Hey did you fuck my sister that one time?"

Probably.

8. "So what's your deal anyway?"

In real life I'm a brilliant craftsman and a classically trained musician. I really do hate baskets, they're useless. I don't have any strong feelings about etsy, it seems pretty dumb but I don't know.

EDIT: SCRATCH THAT. THIS SITE IS FUCKING BULLSHIT. I'M NOT EVEN TRYING TO SELL ANYTHING AND I CAN'T FIGURE OUT WHICH WAY IS UP ON THIS PILE OF GODFORSAKEN GARBAGE. I CAN ONLY BARELY FATHOM WHAT KIND OF MERCILESS OCEAN OF SHIT THE REST OF YOU POOR IDIOTS WHO ACTUALLY TRY ARE GOING THROUGH. LIKE EVERY SINGLE TIME I SIGN IN AND *DESPERATELY* TRY TO GIVE THEM MY HARD EARNED 20 CENTS PER LISTING IT'S A WHOLE NEW 6 FOOT LONG PARTY-SUB STYLE SHIT SANDWICH TO FEAST UPON. I SERIOUSLY CAN'T UNDERSTAND WHO THE FUCK THINKS ANY OF THIS IS A GOOD IDEA. LIKE OH, HERE YOU GO YOU CAN POST SOME PICTURES ON YOUR PAGE BUT WE'RE GOING TO CROP THEM ALL FUCKED AND ALLOW EXACTLY 2 SENTENCES WORTH OF CONTEXT AND THEN WE GET TO PICK HOW IT'S ALL ORGANIZED SO THERE'S NO HOPE - JUST ABSOLUTELY NO FUCKING HOPE AT ALL AT MAKING ANY SENSE OUT OF IT. SERIOUSLY THE ONLY PERSON ON THE PLANET THIS IS GOOD FOR IS ME. MY STORE HAS NEVER LOOKED LIKE SUCH A PILE OF SHIT. I COULD SPEND THE REST OF MY LIFE AND NOT MAKE AN ONLINE STORE LOOK THIS SHITTY. BRAVO ETSY. I BOW TO THEE. THE NEW SHIT KING. ALL GLORY TO THE FECAL OVERLORD: ETSY.COM. GET READY FOR SHITTYBASKETS.BIGCARTEL.COM BECAUSE THIS PLACE IS THE WORST. THE FUCKING WORST.

EDIT EDIT: OH I GUESS THERE'S SOME NEW THING THEY'RE DOING WHERE YOU PAY THEM FOR IT TO NOT LOOK LIKE SHIT. THAT CHECKS OUT. YIKES PRETTY HARSH BUSINESS MODEL THO WOULDN'T YOU SAY? "FOR 15 BUCKS I WILL NOT KICK YOU IN THE FACE FOR AT LEAST A MONTH." ONCE AGAIN I HAVE NEVER FELT MORE AT HOME HERE. WHAT A BEAUTIFUL FUCKING MESS. IT'S ETSY'S BASKET, I'M JUST SHITTING IN IT.

I couldn't really say one way or another whether I believe any of the stuff I write here. I mostly do them all on the spot. Sometimes I'll go back and change stuff if I think it's badly written or not funny. I also honestly can't remember when this turned from one small joke into a stream-of-consciousness opinion blog, but maybe it was a bad idea.