Where it all Began [Julie’s Story]
Depression was never new to me . . . although growing up I didn’t recognize it for what it was. As a young adult and devout Christian I believed that God was enough to get me through if I focused and put Him first in my life. After all, I lived up in the mountains in a magical cottage and a wonderful growing family.
Just after having my 4th child I got a call from my mother asking me if I had tried Prozac. As a child growing up, Mom was in therapy for depression for as long as I can remember and often we were brought along to the appointments with her to take part. So, I sort of rolled my eyes and said something like “Mom, I don’t need that I have God . . . and He is bigger than Prozac.” But she kept pushing “Three of your siblings are on it and it is transforming their lives”. I had heard enough. Just to try and wind up the conversation I asked Mom, “Okay Mom, tell me the one thing that has made the most difference for you?” After a thoughtful moment she said, “Julie, I have a smile inside.” I was stunned at her answer.
We hung up shortly after that but her words just kept replaying in my head – a smile inside? Really? I certainly didn’t have one.
After a few weeks I decided I would go to my primary doctor and ask to try Prozac. Looking back I remember firmly believing he was going to just laugh and kick me out of his office. But I brought my journal that spoke of some of my darkest moments and after reading excerpts, running some tests and answering extensive questions he announced I was a candidate for Prozac. He wrote me a prescription and advised me that it would take at least a couple of weeks before I would notice a difference.
On the third day, I was washing dishes at my kitchen sink where there was a window that looked out over a huge logging road that ran from the top of the hill, past the window to the bottom where a hairpin curve led out to our dirt road to the house for another 50 yards or so. My children would drag their Big Wheels (do you remember those?) up to the top of the logging road and ride them down – flying past the kitchen window, skidding around the curve and continuing until they ran out of momentum. I had watched this countless times, but in that moment on that third day I thought to myself, “My God! That looks like fun!” and went out the kitchen door, grabbed a Big Wheel, dragged it to the top of the hill and road it down. I cannot adequately describe the exhilaration I felt – the wind in my face, my adrenaline rushing – and skidding around that curve I couldn’t stop laughing. What I was feeling was foreign to me – it was the JOY of being alive – all my senses going at once.
My life changed that day. At that time, I had four young children so you can imagine– I couldn’t wait for nap-time. The thing was though, all the while they were napping there would be this anxiety that I would accidentally wake them, and I dreaded the hearing of footsteps above. But now, I didn’t even want them to take naps. What I wanted was to engage, play and ENJOY my children. Now don’t misinterpret my meaning here. I loved my children and would lay my life down for them – I just didn’t know how to let go and just enjoy them. Everything was so hard and demanding ALL THE TIME. But now I couldn’t wait to get up in the morning, I was excited about my life and people would ask what changed. I got involved with community theater, strained relationships were healed and that summer even went skinny dipping in a lake while camping. Prozac revolutionized my life for the better.
With that said, there was still this nagging feeling inside that if I only prayed enough or if I trusted God enough I wouldn’t have to be on medication. I would go back and forth on this and went off the medication countless times. Then in 1997 my younger brother Jim committed suicide and it shook my very foundation. I didn’t know what it looked like to be suicidal – whether it would just sneak up on you with no warning or what, and now with six children I was done messing around, went back on medication and haven’t looked back since.
Over the years I have learned to live my life with minimal symptoms. If I feel an episode coming I take care of myself, clear what I can on my calendar, sleep as much as I want and give my self grace. And that has worked for 20 years. Then for no particular reason in 2017 it didn’t work and I found myself wanting to end my life. I recognized that I was in peril and reflected on the impact my brother’s death had on his children – and in that moment, grabbed my keys and went to the nearest emergency room before I could change my mind.
I was admitted into a treatment program, and while in treatment my daughter Rebekah sent me a Mental Health Survival Kit that contained an assortment of gadgets with an antidote attached. I remember picking up the candle and the tag said, “when you feel like you are in a dark place you can always find light’ and feeling a rush of hope. Every time I looked at that candle the same hope would surge in me again. It was powerful. And I recognized the gift this little tags and items gave – and it was priceless.
So, I started adding items to the box with my own sayings and began making them in my living room. And I have gifted enough to know that there are people that are thirsty and in need of hope and encouragement and these small gifts have the power to quench that thirst.
I ended up changing the name from Mental Health Survival Kit to Simple Truths Survival Kit because it was too inclusive to be just associated with Mental Health when these truths are universal in all paths of life.
One small gift, one thoughtful notion, one act of compassion can have a monumental impact on a persons life. My hope is that these kits bring that same light to those who may find themselves in a dark space.
With JOYOUS Gratitude,
Julie Luhrs