collageadada

He was wrong! I am not famous, but neither was Van Gogh while he was alive.

When I was little I wanted to be an artist but my family said I had to have a real job. When I turned 18 I was forced to put my dreams aside as I struggled to be the person I was expected to be: a functioning human being in the normal working world. The problem was, I couldn't live that way. It wasn't until I was 33 that I finally pursued my dream of going to art school and I enrolled, full-time, at City College of San Francisco. I lasted for a year before taking off on my dream vacation to New Zealand, and it was there where I felt I truly was an artist. People started purchasing my art as I made it, and I gained the much-needed confidence that propelled me to keep going. I spent several years there but I had a hard time staying still and eventually returned to the U.S.

There are probably some deep-seated reasons why I have difficulty staying put in one place and completing tasks that I start. There are definitely reasons I can't make art as often as I would like--goodness knows I think about it 24/7. And I am well aware that my best years are behind me, as I creep into my middle(ish) years with my head held high and my body creaking and popping when I move. It's not something I feel fantastic about, but I can't control time, or the effects of it, so the only thing I can do is go with it.

For a long time I tried to make art with the sole purpose of selling it, so I tried to create things that people would like. I wasn't happy. I sold things that I made, but I felt like I was on the assembly line my mom had hoped I would be on at the factory she worked at. I decided that I would make what I wanted to make and that has been a far better strategy than any previous ones.

I am realistic. I'm not going to lie; I'm a horrible marketer. I think most introverts probably are. I'm best after my cup of coffee in the morning and after that my day can be a blur; or sometimes it can be gloriously productive. I'm not like everyone else. I live with an autonomic nerve disorder that affects the things the body does without being told, like breathing, blood pressure, and how the heart beats. My heart likes to test me with its special cocktail: a tricky combination of heart beats that are too fast, too slow, and completely out of rhythm. In the worst case scenario I am seeing stars and on the floor, or getting some i.v. Lopressor to bring it back to normal. Mostly, I just have to sit down and wait for it to go back to normal, and the impending headache that follows. This is not desirable, but it is MY life, and I love my life so much. I have reached the point in my life where I can say that I would not change anything because all of this is what made me who I am.

That brings me to the best part of me: my daughter. I aspired to be a fantastic mother and to raise a healthy, happy child. I fulfilled both of those things and my daughter, a talented artist in her own right, thanks me often for being such a great mom. It was well worth any sacrifice I could have made, although I don't look at anything I've done as a sacrifice. It was all part of the process - part of the job of being a mother. It is all part of my purpose for being here and staying.

These things here in my shop are all reflections of how my thoughts converge; how my love of the past, and the strong sense of nostalgia I feel as I reflect back on my life, meet in the tangible world. I think about what I loved as a kid in the '60's and '70's (horror movies, thunderstorms, carnivals, the supernatural, miniatures, trains, twinkling Christmas lights) and not much has changed. I'm still that same kid in a middle-aged body. Why not create things that I love for myself? That's the best thing I can do, and it's what I do best.