You see, for many years I thrived on anger. I’m not going to woe you with my childhood or my teenage years. As tumultuous as it was, it is what has made me, me. But in coping with it all, I was angry. I took that anger and embraced it. It’s what got me through it all. When it comes to certain times in your life, you have to hit the ground running. You cannot hesitate to think, or feel or reflect on what just happened. You need to stand tall and continue on to find a way. It doesn’t matter if it’s something that you want to do or not, but need to.

I carried that anger and utilized it to the best of my ability. It got me through family problems. It got me through basic training. It’s how I learned to work out and push myself those extra miles or shaving time off my run. It’s what got me those promotions at work. It’s what made me invincible - I would do things and not remember them. That 10 mile uphill run that left me shaking afterward? I didn’t remember it, because my brain was going a mile a minute. If it hurt, it didn’t matter, because I wouldn’t feel it until after. Long after. But when it was over, I could look back and I would feel so good and accomplished afterwards.

Then I got deployed and an incident occurred that no matter what the training was for, I never would have been prepared for it. Superiors couldn’t give me the answers I was looking for, and things went from simple to intricate in one unexpected moment. It wasn’t about regulations and course of action anymore. My soul was in a quandary and it didn’t sit well.

Regardless of what that incident was, I realized that things needed to change. I did find my center, but it was short lived. Life happened and anger started to build once more. As much as I longed for it, I did not want to start smoking again.

This is where fiber started to speak to me. I used to think knitting spoke to me because I needed to do something with my hands once I quit smoking. Plus, my great-grandmother taught me, and I knew she would be proud. But the truth is, I can sit for hours with the biggest tangled mass of yarn and be completely content and calm. It’s soothing. As I figure it out, it gives me time to internalize and figure myself out. I take different perspectives on situations and come to different conclusions. Agree to disagree. And as I come to my resolution the clouds part and I’ve got a tightly wound skein with no knots. A fog clears, that I didn’t even know was around me. So much different than the past, when I would look at life with a red tinge around the edges at everything. So much better. All is right in the world once more. Centered.

Weaving and spinning – where do I begin? It’s methodical, it’s continuous, yet at the same time has a beginning and end. It listens to your hands, and no matter how much your brain is going, it never interrupts. Only when you are too upset and being too abrasive with the fiber – you snap the yarn. I never realize it until it happens. It forces you to be calm. And if you’re not in the mood, or just cannot seem to get in the zone, it is simply not the day for it. Find something else to do, and try again later. There’s always tomorrow.

Maybe it’s my new form of meditation. But it centers me. It doesn’t matter if I make sales, as I refuse to allow consumerism dictate my soul and my business. And to be honest, if I don’t do it for awhile I tend to get irate. I need it.

I did not choose to be a fiber artist. If anything, it chose me.