Do I Have To Make a Fuss About Your Baby?
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Original Post
I need to vent, and I'd like to get insight from you all. My husband's brother has a girlfriend who now has 6 children, with 3 guys, all but 2 of which were born out of wedlock, and she's only 31 years old. She first became pregnant with my brother-in-law's baby 4 months after meeting him, and that baby wasn't even one year old yet when she became pregnant again. She uses welfare to pay her medical bills, and we know she conceived this latest baby intentionally. The situation angers us.
We were staying at my in-law's house over the weekend, and my brother-in-law stopped by with his girlfriend and their children (her other children were with their babies' daddies). After they left my mother-in-law started crying and carrying on over the fact that my husband and I basically ignored the new baby. My husband told her there is nothing about the situation that makes him happy, and the new baby is nothing to celebrate. I told her that I'd love to be thrilled about my new neice, but the facts surrounding her cloud that for me. Plus, I was paying attention to my own daughter, and our new puppy. At one point I could see my mother-in-law out of the corner of my eye, sort of facing the new baby towards me, and staring at me as if to say "look at her! look at how cute she is!" and I intentionally ignored her cause the attitude was bugging me. And because of our own issues trying to conceive, it is emotionally difficult for me to look at this baby, when it just makes me think "why would God want this baby to be born to them, before I have one?" It is very upsetting, but I'd never share this with my in-laws.
I remember when my daughter was born, my mother-in-law was very upset because my husband's aunt was pretty much ignoring my daughter. At the time I thought "I'm appreciating how precious my daughter is, I'm enjoying her little smiles, I couldn't care less about who else is making a fuss over her." But for some reason this is really important to my mother-in-law.
So, for those of us with children... does it bother you if you are around somebody who couldn't seem to care less about your little bundle of joy? Why is this so important to some people? Is my mother-in-law a weirdo about it, or are my husband and I just cold-hearted?
Posted at 9:28am Sep 4, 2007 EDT
Responses
If you feel that way you have every right to your feelings.
That being said- I do always have a soft spot for babies, whatever the circumstances.
Posted at 9:31am Sep 4, 2007 EDT
You have every right to be disturbed by the situation. The last thing we need is more children whose parents cannot support them (either financially or emotionally).
That said, I guess your mother-in-law is like my mom. She has this fantasy that everyone in her family must absolutely adore each other, and is willing to fret and kick and scream and cry to make that happen. Or, in our case, make it appear to happen, anyway.
Just be cordial and nice to the parents, and try to make a little fuss over the baby. It's not the baby's fault she was born to a mess of a mom, and she could probably use all the fussing over she can get.
Posted at 9:35am Sep 4, 2007 EDT
I understand how you must be feeling....and it sounds as if the whole situation, and your thoughts on the girlfriend are clouding everything else. It must be very frustrating for you.
I would perhaps direct my feelings toward the girlfriend [and even your husbands brother] rather than at the baby...ignore them [the adults] instead. As this child grows up she could develop a bit of a complex that her Aunt and Uncle feel negatively toward her - when in reality, she is the innocent party in all this.
I don't think I would care if people fussed over my baby or not...family members being in the same room as me and ignoring me would be something else.
Perhaps compartmentalising issues and feelings surrounding this might be good.
Posted at 9:42am Sep 4, 2007 EDT
I agree you have the right to feel uneasy about this situation. All I can say is that even though you feel uneasy about ooooing and awwwing the baby, which you don't have to. Still be pleasant and cordial. I think she just wants attention. I can't imagine having that many kids at 31 but that was her choice not the child's fault. My attitude if you can't afford to have them, stop making them. The children are the ones who are gonna suffer in the end.
:-)
Posted at 9:45am Sep 4, 2007 EDT
I think there is something wrong with the idea that if there's a baby around, all activity must stop and all attention be focusted at the baby and mom.
Someone I used to work with had never been able to conceive and then her husband was dying of cancer. It was actively distressing for her when people brought their new babies into the office.
Admittedly, context is a factor; it is less appropriate to bring a baby into an office than to your in-laws' house.
I don't know; I don't have kids. I hope I'm not offending people every time I ignore a baby.
Posted at 9:46am Sep 4, 2007 EDT
SugarcubeDesign says:
Just be cordial and nice to the parents, and try to make a little fuss over the baby. It's not the baby's fault she was born to a mess of a mom, and she could probably use all the fussing over she can get.
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these were my thoughts exactly! don't punish the child for the parent's idiocracy. she is the innocent party here and deserves to be fawned all over like any other niece or nephew.
: )
Posted at 9:48am Sep 4, 2007 EDT
Do babies like to be fawned over? Children are aware enough of their surroundings to have a clue if someone is ignoring them, but babies?
I got the impression, and maybe I'm wrong, that the baby in question was young enough that most of the fawning was for the mother's benefit, though directed at the child.
Posted at 9:50am Sep 4, 2007 EDT
I say set aside any complaints you have with the mom and coo over the baby.
Posted at 9:51am Sep 4, 2007 EDT
I'm sorry, but I am on the other side of the fence on this. I, too, have six children, between the ages of 3 and 26. I have never been married...by choice. I have, however been involved in 3 longterm relationships, the first produced 3 of my kids, the second 1 child, and the third and current one 2 more kids. I have always worked very hard and have never been on the "system". I do however, receive healthcare through my state for both myself (during pregnancy0 and for my children (through to age 21, if they are in school). This is provided to me because I meet the income guidelines. Would it be better to have no healthcare? How many of you out there would turn down free or reduced cost healthcare if it was your only option? I pay my taxes, just like everyone else. Just because this woman chose to have her children without the "benefit" of marraige doesn't make her any less a mother, or her kids any less wanted or any less of a blessing. As far as I see it, it is their life and a new baby should always be welcomed, no matter what the cercumstances. Just my 2 cents....
Posted at 9:53am Sep 4, 2007 EDT